On Sunday night NBC premiered its new drama series, “Kings.” It tells the story of a modern day monarchy (some say it begs the question, what would the U.S. look like with a monarchy). According to NBC’s synopsis, the series is “an epic story of greed and power, war and romance, forbidden loves and secret alliances -- and a young hero who rises to power in a modern-day kingdom.”
“Why write about a new series?” you ask. To answer the immediate question, no I am not getting paid by the network Goliath, as it were, to write about their new series (though, should the NBC exec’s see this and feel compelled to, I’d be happy to receive their donation). I write about this because this story is actually a contemporary re-telling of the story of King David, from 1 and 2 Samuel. NBC says it’s a re-telling of David and Goliath, but I disagree greatly as there are many plots and storylines taken from the epic story of David. Here are but a few of the borrowed storylines and character casting seen in the premiere:
Bible: David is a shepherd boy in the country Kings: “David Shepherd” is a mechanic boy in the country
Bible: David is anointed and appointed by God to be King of Israel through the prophet Samuel Kings: David is “anointed” (so to speak, though not said like that) by the Rev. Samuel for something unknown… yet.
Bible: King Saul was initially appointed by God to be King of Israel, then fails God through selfish ambition Kings: King Silas was initially appointed by God (yes, God) to be King, then fails God through selfish ambition
Bible: David is a “man after God’s own heart” Kings: The Reverend Ephram Samuels (stand in for the prophet Samuel) tells King Silas God no longer favors him and has appointed a new King – “a man after His own heart.”
Bible: David slays Goliath with a stone Kings: David slays the military tank Goliath (yes, I agree… they really stretched for this one) with a rocket launcher. LOL, sorry, I laughed watching it, too.
Bible: David is a musician Kings: David is a musician (plays the King’s piano)
WORD OF WARNING: As anxious as I am about this new series, I feel it is important to remind you that this is NOT the Bible. It is a “re-telling” which means they have (and will use as often as they can) the liberty to change, adjust, flip, twist, and re-imagine the Biblical account of King David. Yes, there are many similarities (to include negative qualities, such as betrayal, lust, greed, selfishness, etc.), but mind you they are very loose (some are even stretches)! One example: Jonathan, Saul’s son, in the Bible is “Jack” in “Kings” and is somewhat outed in the premiere episode as gay.
The story of David served a much larger purpose than the establishment of government/power… it ushered in the arrival of Jesus Christ and paved the way for true redemption and restoration for mankind through Him (the One True King), not a hero king. Also (SIDE NOTE), it is curious how David in the show is considered a man after God’s own heart when, so far, he has demonstrated no sign of being Godly… only noble, heroic, brave and kind (good attributes).
For those with teens you might, as a family activity, consider reading the story of Saul and David in 1 and 2 Samuel together and watch the show together. Point out similarities and misinterpretations. Talk about how the coming of the King (Jesus) through a country shepherd boy has changed and influenced modern society in ways that an earthly monarchy never could. It’ll be interesting to see how this series unfolds. Watch it on NBC’s Sundays at 8pm.
A few days ago, Bristol Palin’s boyfriend/fiancé (Levi Johnston) announced that he and Bristol were no longer together. While I despise gossip magazines that litter their pictures and false stories all over their covers, this story deserves a little attention.
When the teens announced that they were expecting a baby last August, it thrust them in front of the national spotlight because Bristol’s mom had just been announced as John McCain’s running mate in his presidential bid. So, I wrote a blog entry discussing the consequences of our decisions (you can read that here) and how they affect us in ways we never thought they would/could later (her words on her plans prior to finding out she was pregnant: “I never would have thought I would have been a mom and I would have never thought my mom would have been chosen for Vice President”).
Fast forward to February 16th – Bristol gives an interview with FOX News, stating that teens should wait “10 years” to have a child and that the ideal way to prevent teen pregnancy is abstinence; “BUT”, she continued, “it’s not realistic because [premarital sex] is so accepted among kids my age.” (See that video interview here) A note on this… of course it is unrealistic if your eyes and desires are only about you (and the people you use to judge your actions are your peers with their own self-seeking desires). Real love, however, takes REAL work… it’s hard! It requires you to put others (especially your partner) above yourself! Lust is easy… you see something, you like it, you take it… love requires commitment and integrity!
Then, fast forward to today – the new mommy and daddy are now no longer together. A few short months ago they were planning a wedding/future together. Now, they are “off.” Why? According to Levi, it’s because they (or he is) are not “mature” enough for marriage. (?!?!?)
This is probably the most mature decision the couple has made so far. Unfortunately, the timing of it now makes it an immature reaction. The time to decide if one is mature enough for a committed relationship is prior to taking/giving away each other's purity (minds, hearts, bodies, etc.), not after – and DEFINITELY not after you bring a child into the world. Their decision now is not about them, but about their child.
I’m not here, necessarily, to criticize Levi or Bristol – I have no idea what’s going on in their lives, nor is it my business. There may be legitimate reasons for them not to be married or be together, but my point is that those decisions need to come earlier (see my "purity blog entry here: “Abstinence is Wrong”).
TEENS: In her interview, Bristol says she hopes other teens learn from her story. I agree – I hope you do. More than just pregnancy, though (because avoiding teen pregnancy is not the key here; what about your own purity? Your husband’s/wife’s feelings? Your children’s?), I pray you see how quickly “love” and situations can change (and yes it can happen to you, for those that think it won’t because you/your significant other are different). I pray you select carefully those you share your heart with and seek fulfillment in a Godly, committed relationship that desires to worship God and enjoy true love.
PARENTS:See my blog entry on purity for how to teach/navigate your children/teens through these natural feelings. Click here to read it.
BRISTOL AND LEVI…I appreciate the love you both seem to have for your son and your desires to put him first. I know this season of your life is rough, but know that God’s grace, mercy and True Love are bigger and can prevail if you allow them to. I am praying for you two and your son.
When you encourage your teen to “abstain,” what is it, exactly, that you want them to abstain from? Yes, we should be advocates of sex after marriage for our children, but what about all the “stuff” that leads up to the sex? What about the intimate/lustful thoughts? The kissing? The making out? The touching? The caressing? The passion? The selling-out of the heart (allowing feelings to develop and grow for a person)?
Abstinence is wrong for three reasons: (1) it's all about limiting... God is not about limiting, but abundance (sex is a God-given intimacy that should be ENJOYED... in the right relationship, at the right time, with the right person)! (2) It has more of a push to save the world from STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Both are good causes, but what about the rewards of loving your future spouse more than yourself? What about loving God and displaying that love with a Godly lifestyle? (3) It falls seriously short of confronting the real issue - the heart. It's not just a sex thing, but a heart thing. Who is ultimately being loved?
To a large degree, the pursuit of true love that champions patience, truth, right/Godly living, protection (as in protecting the other person in the relationship’s thoughts, hopes, bodies, etc.), etc. has been lost. To say it another way – the pursuit of purity has been lost because, relationally speaking, it is not God whom people try to please or worship in their relationships, but instead it is either their significant other or themselves.
As parents we know these struggles our teens face and it would be wise of us to empathize with them and let them know that what they think about and struggle with is common!! Sexual relationships are God-given and desiring to be part of one is NOT sinful… however, what happens from there is where the temptation and dangers lie. Checkout 1 Corinthians 10:12-13… it’s a great reminder to us that temptation is common and an encouragement to us that since it is common we are not alone (we aren’t the first to face it, and won’t be the last).
So how can we guide our kids/teens? What are some things we can do/say to lead them toward purity (loving God with all our heart, mind and soul – in other words, with the way we live our lives)?
#1... It is never too early to teach purity.
The key to teaching about purity is not about teaching rules or limits. Purity is about us seeking to worship God with every facet of our life (1 Cor. 10:31 – from the same chapter as the temptation passage above). It’s all about learning to love God more than anything else and seeing His world as He created it, especially marriage. It’s funny that the same culture that keeps selling the myth of self pleasure (find what makes you happy and go after it) is the same one where marriages are crumbling and true love seems to be an unobtainable dream. Rabbit Trail: Of course that culture has also influenced the church and now the divorce rate in the church is almost even with that of those outside of it. Why? Instead of seeking purity, people seek Burger King theology: “My way, right away” and lose sight of what God has in store for us in marriage… I digress.
Purity is something we ought to model and encourage our children from day one. SHOW THEM what it looks like to love God with every aspect of your life. DEMONSTRATE humility when you fall short and mess up by seeking forgiveness (how else will they come to know and understand unconditional love and forgiveness?). Get them excited about marriage by making your spouse the #2 priority in your life, with God being #1. Pray for them and their future spouse!
#2... Purity starts in our thoughts. What are our teens thinking about? What do they think about love, dating, physical touch, etc.?
YES – it is very awkward talking about oral sex, “feeling” under clothing, “French kissing,” lustful thoughts of the opposite sex and sexual intercourse (to name a few). BUT IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS! Our teens are hearing about these things, seeing it (it’s on the internet, in music videos, video games, movies and on public TV – the new 90210 on CW showed a suggested scene of oral sex in its series premiere), wondering about it and thinking about it a lot! Who is going to be their teacher? Who is going to teach them a good, solid, Biblical worldview on these matters? The parents – it is our calling and obligation… period.
As awkward as it is – start by bringing it up. Offer your teen an open forum! Tell them they can talk to you any time about any of those topics without consequence. If you haven’t heard from them about it after a while, bring it up again and check in on them.
There are two key ways to help teach them (and us as parents, for that matter) protect their thoughts: (1) Be cautious about what we let in (whether heard, seen, etc.), (2) teach about real love, real intimacy, Godly marriage, the privilege of loving someone more than themselves, etc. Again, we’re not trying to put restrictions on our teens (though there are times that is necessary since many times they aren’t capable of making the right choices because their minds are still developing), but to help them see down the road – about a life and marriage committed to God and one another.
#3... When it comes to touching – what do your teens think is “the limit” (how far is too far)? What do you think is “the limit”?
Based on 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (READ THIS PASSAGE!) and what I’ve personally enjoyed in marriage I am an advocate for no touching until marriage. This is a VERY prudish statement today, I know. Even Christians are probably asking out loud as they read this “NO TOUCHING?!?!?” or screaming “that’s not realistic!” I am aware it may seem out-of-touch (however, my question to that is “out of touch with who? God? The world where the divorce rate is climbing and people are opting out of getting married all together?”) and is far easier said than done. I’m tired of seeing marriages crumbling and I think it’s time we face the fact that going after what we want with little to no patience (or worship for that matter) isn’t getting us what we (or God) want in the long run. Most people desire an intimate relationship that lasts, but how can that happen when at its inception the relationship is founded on selfishness (fulfilling my desires now versus in a committed, loving marriage as God designed)?
“What’s wrong with innocent stuff, like kissing?” Nothing – God designed it. Three points, though: (1) What's "innocent" and according to what/who do you define innocent? Innocent is a relative term - it changes as our desires allow it to. (2) If a husband kisses a woman who is not his wife – most would agree there is a problem with it (the Bible calls it adultery). Teens may not have a spouse at the moment, but they will (most likely) one day. Instead of thinking about loving themselves by fulfilling their desires right now, why not teach them to love their spouse by respecting their own bodies (after all, after they’re married, that body belongs to their spouse)? (3) Why kiss? To show affection? Why not teach teens how to love and show affection without kissing? That helps protect them now, makes kissing that much more intimate with their spouse later and teaches them how to be affectionate in other ways other than just sex after they’re married.
To be transparent… Because most parents (if not all) did not meet this standard when they were dating (myself included), they feel as if it’s unfair to impose it on our kids. This could not be further from the truth!!! Our goal as parents is not to restrict our kids from fun – we are trying to enhance it! We are trying to help them enjoy the full benefits of a sexual relationship in the right relationship – marriage. To enjoy all that it has to offer while enjoying the benefit of a spouse that has pledged their commitment, loyalty and protection to them. We should not set the bar lower because we didn’t meet it. We use our story and shortcomings and the example of our present marriages now to encourage our kids to put their future spouses above their desires now.
#4... When it comes to influences, I think it’s important that parents take a proactive approach in their teens lives.
Ask them: “who are some of your favorite music artists?” “What are some of your favorite movies?” “What sort of things do you look for in friends?” Then ask follow up questions, like “Why?” I talked to a very “clean cut” girl the other day that is raised in church and has a SOLID family life. I asked her – “who is your favorite music artist?” and she replied “Soulja Boy” (whose music is filthy, degrading to women, morally bankrupt, etc.). Knowing her parents, I think they’d be beside themselves if they actually read some of his lyrics and knew what he was saying.
To be clear - I’m not about censorship, but I do think there is a time when parents NEED to be a censor. There is also a time for teaching and hearing out a teen, and using that conversation as a way of explaining why certain lyrics, philosophies, worldviews, etc. are wrong and what Truth really is and why they should embrace that over a selfish, narrow-minded worldview.
This concludes the Dating/Love/Relationships series… I hope you enjoyed it. I know a lot of what was said in it is often debated (after all, it’s not a new conversation). Even if you disagree with me on some or all points, I pray that at a minimum it at least challenged you and got you thinking. I know it has me… my wife and I talk almost on a daily basis about teaching this stuff to our own children. We don’t always agree, but we both go to bed together in prayer asking God for wisdom and praying for our children, that at the heart of all of this they will desire to love God more than anything else.
Beginning Monday I am going to try to start posting daily (mornings are my goal) about popular topics in culture, news, etc. Also, because of the frequency of the posts I will begin making them shorter, too. Stop by daily as a part of your news fix!
Want to be part of the conversation? Have a question or comment? Click here!
Some stuff has come up in the real world that has prevented me from engaging the virtual world of my blog. My wife's grandparents have become quite ill which prompted an unexpected trip to see them and help out this last week. So, needless to say, I have not had a chance to update the blog (nor have I had access to the internet to let you know).
I plan to post two at once this week to catch up. I'm sorry about that. Also, a side note... I plan to get back to engaging the culture/world around us... so much has happened that I wish I had more time to comment on...
Bristol Palin's comment that abstinence is not realistic (I beg to differ - it's not easy, but in a world of "fulfill me and my selfish desires above all," that sort of answer is not surprising)
Dustin Lance Black's Oscar acceptance speech for his "Milk" screenplay in which he tells gay children/teens who are told they are "less by their churches, by the government or their families..." is a sad testimony on three fronts. First, the fact that there are churches who do say that. Second, that all churches/Christianity are (is) stereotyped as being homophobic and hateful toward gays. Yes, homosexuality is a sin and it has deep issues within the family, but it is no worse than any other sin (this is a much deeper topic that I cannot possibly grapple with in a few sentences). Third, that churches are so willing to die on the hill of homosexuality and not on the glaring sins present within the walls of the churches or their heterosexual members' lives. I digress...
Obama's plans for more funding for faith-based groups/organizations
American Idol and the influx of "worship" or "music" leaders from churches (according to my latest, unofficial count - I believe there are 4-5 in the top 36, maybe more).
Alex Rodriguez, steroids, baseball and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. It seems that easy (and gotta-have-it-now) is the official American standard - no matter the cost. Sad. More could be said, but again I digress.
Plus there is more... so much has been happening. I look forward to more dialogue soon. I also think I may begin writing on a more regular basis (than once a week) and begin making the entries shorter. We'll see.
Look for my next 2 posts to wrap up the series later this week (hopefully by Thursday).
Please remember to pray for both of my wife's grandparents (husband and wife - Milton and Billie)... they are both in the hospital as I type this and have been since last Thursday.
Also... one last note to my hijacking-blogger wife (for those that missed it, she hijacked my blog and left a very flattering and kind blog entry about me that I was unaware of )... thank you for your amazingly kind and loving words. You humble me. Why you picked me, I'll never know, but I thank God daily that you are my friend, my partner in ministry, my love, the mother of my children and my wife. I pray I make you proud and that God is glorified through our marriage.
(This blog is not written by Christian, but Laura, his wife. I wanted to write on the blog about my husband, and he does not know I am doing this - so if you see it now, and it's gone later, you'll know why.)
The word "superhero" brings many images to mind - the man flying through the air with a cape and tights, saving a herione (or the world) in distress. Our hearts race as we watch this person with superhuman strength save the heroine (or the world) in the nick of time and we all say a collective "Whew" as the credits roll.
My superhero doesn't wear tights. My superhero does save the "herione" (in this case, me) by being a man of God. He has devoted himself to learning about the Bible, and not only reading about it but living it daily. He makes his daily decisions based on God and His word. His actions are Godly, as well as his conversations and thoughts. He has "saved" me by putting God first in his life with me and the children. I don't have to worry about what kind of man he is - I know that his actions match his thoughts - he is who he says he is. He treats our children with love and respect - bringing them up to be worshippers of the Lord Jesus Christ. With every word, every consequence he gives, he is preparing them to be followers of Christ. He also leads others in the path of God - giving them Godly advice and praying for them daily.
My superhero is someone I look up to and hope to be like one day. He has encouraged me when I'm down, he has inspired me to be a better woman, mother and Christian. He also spoils me rotten - by making sure that everyone knows that he loves his wife more than anyone else on this world. He always asks the kids, "Who's my number one girl?" The kids answer, "mommy!"
I can go on and on and on about what a wonderful guy he is and things he does for his family - like cook for us, bring me coffees at work, work at home for eight years so that we don't have to put our kids in daycare. He puts himself to the side time and time again for the sake of his family.
I am writing this blog, not only to brag on my husband, but to encourage others to consider the importance of having a Godly influence in the home. A true leader in the home and follower of Christ can make a difference on those around them. They can be the true superheroes - those willing to dedicate everything they have to Christ and encourage others along with them. The true superheroes know that we need to be "saved" from ourselves and what this world has to offer, and focus on the Jesus and what is above.
Ok, to start with – I know we’ve all “fallen short.” It is highly unlikely that anyone reading this (to include myself who is writing it) has practiced this out to its fullest. This could be for a variety of reasons (not knowing, poor decisions, etc.), but this should NOT keep us from teaching our children (and leading them by the way we conduct ourselves in our marriages/single life now) a Biblical model/approach to “dating.”
I was recently talking with a young man (under 15) about girls. After joking around a bit about dating and such he revealed he “liked” a certain girl. So I asked him what the plan was and he said “I don’t know – I’m not sure what to do.” I asked if he wanted to be her boyfriend and he said “I guess.” So I asked what would be different about their relationship if they were boyfriend and girlfriend or just friends. He said, very honestly, “I don’t know – I don’t know what it means to be a boyfriend.”
Here is a young teenager willing to admit what most teens/single adults aren’t – that there really is no clear understanding of what it means to “date.” Basically teens reach an age where girls/guys are no longer “gross” but captivating and when that happens they think the next logical step is to start exploring those feelings by dating.
What is dating? What do you do on a date? What makes dating different from friendship? What does a girlfriend/boyfriend do? What is their job? What do I do with all these natural feelings of captivation for someone of the opposite sex?
I could easily stretch this list further, but you get the point. So how can we better equip our teens (or our children before they reach this stage) for this phase of life? There are some key lessons that we ought to be instilling in our children (before they get to this phase) and our teens as we help navigate them through this phase:
1. Teach WORSHIP. Every aspect of their life is an act of worship. Teach them to ask “is what I am doing/about to do a true demonstration of my love and commitment to my first love, my God?” Teach them to want to honor God (Deuteronomy 6:4-5), honor you (the parents, Exodus 20:12), respect/love their future spouse (1 Cor. 7:2-5, Eph. 5:33), and to want to make God’s Name great by the life they live day-in-and-day-out (1 Cor. 10:31).
2. Teach God’s plan: marriage! Today dating functions completely independent of real love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8): Godliness/righteousness, commitment/loyalty, integrity, patience, selflessness, etc. “We can sleep together, experience the most intimate parts of each other, move in together, get a dog together, maybe have a kid together… but no marriage because that is too serious and I’m not ready for that.” God’s plan from the very beginning was for us to move toward marriage – we are relational people by design; however, we are to experience those benefits of relationships in the right relationship, at the right time, in the right place. As parents this ought to be the deepest desire of our hearts for our kids – even above worldly/temporal success. Money fades, accolades fade, degrees only mean something while we’re alive… marriage is the beginning of an amazing, Godly journey. When/if children become part of the picture it becomes a generational, Godly journey – to raise GENERATIONS of worshippers! Teach Godliness and righteous living above even worldly success.
3. Teach SEX! There, I said it… SEX!!!!! What in the world has happened that the most amazing and intimate act possible between two people (created by God) has become taboo to say in the church?!?!? There is nothing wrong with sex – at all! Tell your teens that! They’re so scared of the word that they won’t even say it in church and when it is talked about they giggle uncomfortably! They’ll watch it all day on MTV and in movies, sing about it crudely in their songs (I’ll spare you lyrical examples), but talk about it in the way it was intended to be and it’s taboo! Tell them about ALL of the sexual connections – kissing, hand-holding, touch, sensuality and tell them how amazing it is… IN THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP, with a spouse who is committed to you and are moving in the same direction relationally (toward God). We’ll talk about this more next week in the “Purity Myth.”
4. Teach friendship. John and Abigail Adams (the 2nd president of the U.S.) had one of America’s greatest love stories. Often separated because of John’s political career and lack of speedy transportation, the two wrote to each other often (over 1,100 times!). In his letters to his wife John would often address his wife as “My Dearest Friend.” What an intimate, sensual and romantic term of endearment! Today teens define whether they are “dating” someone based on whether or not they touch – hold hands, hug more than others, kiss, make out, etc. Sure, they are friends with their bf’s/gf’s (boyfriends or girlfriends), but what makes them a true “couple” is their ability to do stuff they don’t do with their other friends. Lost is the idea of how to be true friends. Lost is the idea of how to enjoy each others company without taking it to a physical level. If dating is learning the other person to determine if both partners desire to commit to one another and grow together, then why is any physical contact necessary? That is something they can experience and learn together as husband and wife.
5. Teach boundaries. We’ll talk about this more next week.
6. Teach how to date. Discuss with your spouse when you think a solid age range is for dating to be acceptable. At a minimum people cannot be married until 18, so it makes no sense for a 15 year old to become consumed in a dating relationship. All that does is put them in a position for greater temptation. When a “dating” relationship does begin (that is, both the boy and girl decide they are both mutually attracted to one another and want to explore that relationship further) put some parameters in place (most of these ought to be in place anyway when it comes to a guy/girl “hanging out” together):
Set the standard (teens ought never engage a dating relationship with someone who is not equally committed to God - this is dangerous ground)
Always be in light and public (darkness and privacy allow the possibility of temptation to act inappropriately on God-given/natural feelings)
Date with crowds (go places with friends/groups)
Set out from the beginning to protect his/her future spouse and their present walk with God
Pray for one another
Involve parents and Godly friends (hiding parts of their relationship makes is dangerous)
Keep friendship the focus
7. Set a dating plan.Together (both parents and the teen) set up a plan for dating (maybe after reading the book suggested below): define dating, things that are ok in a relationship, how a date ought to treat/respect them, how to worship in the midst of dating, accountability, boundaries, etc. This way the teen has some ownership in the plan and can share their feelings about the plan versus feeling like their parents don’t understand. It also opens the channels of communication with your teen from the beginning and lets them know you care, are praying for their future marriage/mate, and are available to listen any time.
There is much more that can/should be taught, but time and space is short. So as an exercise I encourage you to read the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (by Joshua Harris) with your teen. Take it at a comfortable pace and set time aside to talk about it (maybe after every chapter or two). Go out for coffee or ice cream or something and talk about this regularly!
Pray for my wife and I as we begin now with our 8, 6 and 2 year olds (at least teaching and demonstrating marriage, daily worship, etc.)… and I promise you’ve already got our prayers! We petition and plead on behalf of you and your children regularly! Next week… “The Purity Myth”
Want to join the conversation? Have a question? A comment? Click here to chime in!!
The funny thing about dating is that if you ask people “what is dating?” you’ll hear a variety of answers. I ask this question of teenagers quite regularly and here is a small sample of the answers I’ve received over the years:
Spending time with someone (I asked what happens when that relationship ends, they usually reply “find someone else”)
Looking for a husband/wife
Having fun
I don’t know – you just like [someone] and hangout with them
So to ask “what is dating” is a rather ambiguous exercise because no one (even adults) really knows – they just do it. It’s pretty much certain, however, that you will see the following present in the majority of dating relationships:
A title/declaration (my girlfriend/boyfriend/“just dating”/“playing the field”)
Spend time together in special activities (movies, dinner, carnival, etc.)
Friendship (often putting other friends second to the bf/gf of the moment)
Best sides are put forward (typically masking/not disclosing those silly quarks – or real issues)
Alone time (it’s not a real “date” unless the couple is alone somewhere)
Emotional intimacy (the sharing of feelings, hopes, dreams, faith and more)
Physical relationship (hand holding, hugging, kissing, making out, sexual intimacy)
To cut to the chase (since there could be much conversation here), it honestly seems like the only real factor that changes a male/female friendship from friends to “dating” is the physical relationship. Yes, emotional intimacy can be another difference, but it alone is not something exclusive to the dating relationship (friends can be emotionally intimate – often the reason for the “best friend” title). Besides that, when’s the last time you heard someone say “I’d love to share my hopes, feelings and dreams with you – would you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?” It’s more like friends one minute – start holding hands or kissing and “now we’re boyfriend and girlfriend” (or visa versa – change titles from friends to bf/gf, therefore, our new entitlement is physical intimacy).
To illustrate my previous point further (that is, there is no clear understanding of what dating is or parameters for practicing it), I hear the following statement a lot: “I do like him/her but I don’t want to go out with them because I’m afraid it would mess up our friendship.” Really? I thought that was kind of the whole point of marriage – to marry your best friend (so to speak) and grow closer together in that friendship. Besides that, *sarcasm alert* what could possibly happen in a dating relationship that would “mess up” your friendship? Ah, yes… physical intimacy. Once you cross certain lines (expressing love physically) it is kind of hard to go back to “just friends.” Therefore, the “friendship” is, indeed, often times ruined.
Dating can (and should) happen without physical intimacy. Yes, I know that seems archaic and out-dated considering how many of us as adults included it in our relationships and the fact that this type of thinking is almost laughable today. However, to those who are married I pose one question: do our present spouses feel more loved, valued and cherished because we tested others out (physically) first? Sure, we learn from our mistakes, but I have yet to meet a Godly couple that looks back and says “man, I’m glad we had so many partners (kissing or more) before we got married. It makes me feel so loved to know that I’m not the only one on your lips.” (If you’re like me right now, that last statement actually makes you slightly angry/upset/disturbed, whether it is at yourself or the thought of someone else having had the chance to cherish your spouse as you do now). This is why I wholeheartedly believe that we need to teach our CHILDREN (no matter their age) about the value of marriage as God designed it (not “following their heart”) and guide them to a Godly model of “dating.”
Godly dating (or “courting” as this model is often called) ought to set out with friendship as the goal and foundation, while removing physical intimacy until marriage. It puts the relationship in its proper place and encourages the couple to truly put the other one first. It practices from the beginning everything 1 Corinthians 13:4-9 (the “love chapter”) rejoices in:
Patience
Kindness (to the future spouse, future children, etc.)
Proper practice (“does not act improperly”)
Selflessness (much harder road than dating’s selfish “what’s in it for me, now?”)
Rejecting that which could hurt, now or later (namely sin)
Is excited by Godliness (“no joy in unrighteousness”)
Living in Truth (versus secrecy or deceit)
Fighting for real love (“bears, hopes, believes and endures all things” – real love is never easy)
No where does it say that practicing physical intimacy is necessary for this type of love to be experienced. Physical intimacy, instead, seals and expresses in a purely unique way our commitment to our spouse (hence the reason God said the “two become one flesh”). No one else is designed to enjoy such intimacy with our spouse. It is single-handedly the most amazing, unique relationship mankind can enjoy (even above the parent-child relationship because the only two people who can enjoy each other with such intimacy is the husband and wife).
Parents, as I mentioned before, this is not a new methodology. It’s a Biblical approach to a relational system (dating) that has gone way off path, become purely selfish (all about me) and lost its vision (there is very little mention of the future in dating anymore – it’s about the here and now). It places the emphasis back where it was originally designed to be - on marriage (not the here and now)! Yes, this seems like an impossible and unlikely task - like trying to out run a locomotive or leap a tall building in a single bound, without Superman's powers. No one said parenting biblically would be an easy task. But we join together, bathed in prayer, as we work to lead our children to amazing marriages and times of worship (now and later with their own families).
So how do we work AGAINST a system so firmly established in our culture (a confused pattern of dating is in all our movies, music, shows, books, schools, etc.)? We’ll cover that next week when I talk about “What to teach our children.”
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I was reading the book "Family Driven Faith" by Voddie Bauchum recently and in it he makes a pretty blunt, but profound statement... today "dating is nothing more than divorce practice” for later.
Divorce practice?
Today teens date until they lose interest. As soon as someone better looking/more interesting or fun comes along – they’re gone. As soon as the relationship gets boring – they’re gone. As soon as they don’t get along as well as they did before – it’s over. No working through things. No compromise. Why? A few reasons…
Why work through it? It’s easier to move on.
Poor models make for poor examples. Children see, children do. They see moms and dads bail out all the time, why can’t they?
Too young to be dealing with those issues/not capable of making the right choice. Not for nothing, relationships are complex and not for the faint of heart. 16 year olds (no offense to my 16 year old and under audience) are not capable of wrestling with these issues – nor should they have to! They’re still two years away from being able to be legally married. More on this later.
Not much thought goes into who to date; therefore, not much thought is put into making it work. Also, if not much thought is put into who to date, then the reasons for the splits are sometimes legit because they find out more about the guy/girl after dating a bit; however, this stuff is able to be discovered before giving them so much room in their heart.
This is where parents come in. Should we have expectations of our children and their relationships? Absolutely! Scripture demands it (parents are to be intentional in the discipleship of their children… growing “little Christ’s” – those who worship and follow the Savior) and, believe it or not, your kids are looking for them. They want to know what “dating” is and how to do it. They want to know the dreams and desires you have for them – that you are on their side and praying for them and their future spouse.
Because this is such a lengthy topic, I plan to do a four part series in the blog about “dating” and the Bible (teaching parents to teach children about dating).
Part 1 – What is dating and when should it happen (or should it?)?
Part 2 – What to teach our children
Part 3 – The purity myth/Abstinence is Wrong
I plan to do this topic for a few reasons: (1) As a youth pastor the dating/boyfriend/girlfriend topic is the one requested the most by teens. Why not teach parents how to teach it to your kids so that they hear it at home AND at church! (2) Our message to our kids/teens is too ambiguous and jumbled up – it changes from adult to adult. This should not be the case! (3) To examine Scripture and make sure we have a Biblical vision and approach to leading our children in “dating.”
Because there is so much interest in this topic I will try my best to get more than one entry out per week, but that all depends on my schedule. I will try to have Part 1 out by Monday of next week.
A word of encouragement to my fellow parents: I am not a perfect parent (nor have I ever claimed to be). My heart’s desire is like yours – to worship God and lead my family to Him. I have had successes (I think) and I have had failures (I'm sure of it). I have no idea what’s in store for my children and their relationships, but I pray they will always know my wife and I pour our hearts out in prayer for them and that they will desire to worship God with their future spouses. I don’t write these blog entries as a proven method, but as an intention to seek and lead my children in worship. I write this as a tool for both you and my wife and I as we labor together in teaching our children to “love the Lord, our God, with all [their] heart(s), mind(s), and soul(s)”. Pray for us and we commit to pray for you as well.
Until the next entry… Blessings!!!
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I'm a Jesus Freak, for real! I'm sold out, bought out follower of the One True Lord, Jesus Christ.
I love my wife - no doubt about it! She's my #1 girl and always will be. I love my 3 kids - they make me smile! The best day in the world is spending time with the four of them.
I love discussing the arts (especially film and music) and sharing hope found in Christ.
I'm a nut... love laughing, sarcasm and love talking with witty people. I'm sure there's more, but that's kinda me in a nutshell *"look this is me in a nutshell... how did i get in here?"*
On Sunday night NBC premiered its new drama series, “Kings.” It tells the story of a modern day monarchy (some say it begs the question, what would the U.S. look like with a monarchy). According to NBC’s synopsis, the series is “an epic story of greed and power, war and romance, forbidden loves and secret alliances -- and a young hero who rises to power in a modern-day kingdom.”
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