Abstinence is Wrong

When you encourage your teen to “abstain,” what is it, exactly, that you want them to abstain from? Yes, we should be advocates of sex after marriage for our children, but what about all the “stuff” that leads up to the sex? What about the intimate/lustful thoughts? The kissing? The making out? The touching? The caressing? The passion? The selling-out of the heart (allowing feelings to develop and grow for a person)?

Abstinence is wrong for three reasons: (1) it's all about limiting... God is not about limiting, but abundance (sex is a God-given intimacy that should be ENJOYED... in the right relationship, at the right time, with the right person)! (2) It has more of a push to save the world from STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Both are good causes, but what about the rewards of loving your future spouse more than yourself? What about loving God and displaying that love with a Godly lifestyle? (3) It falls seriously short of confronting the real issue - the heart. It's not just a sex thing, but a heart thing. Who is ultimately being loved?

To a large degree, the pursuit of true love that champions patience, truth, right/Godly living, protection (as in protecting the other person in the relationship’s thoughts, hopes, bodies, etc.), etc. has been lost. To say it another way – the pursuit of purity has been lost because, relationally speaking, it is not God whom people try to please or worship in their relationships, but instead it is either their significant other or themselves.

As parents we know these struggles our teens face and it would be wise of us to empathize with them and let them know that what they think about and struggle with is common!! Sexual relationships are God-given and desiring to be part of one is NOT sinful… however, what happens from there is where the temptation and dangers lie. Checkout 1 Corinthians 10:12-13… it’s a great reminder to us that temptation is common and an encouragement to us that since it is common we are not alone (we aren’t the first to face it, and won’t be the last).

So how can we guide our kids/teens? What are some things we can do/say to lead them toward purity (loving God with all our heart, mind and soul – in other words, with the way we live our lives)?

#1... It is never too early to teach purity.

The key to teaching about purity is not about teaching rules or limits. Purity is about us seeking to worship God with every facet of our life (1 Cor. 10:31 – from the same chapter as the temptation passage above). It’s all about learning to love God more than anything else and seeing His world as He created it, especially marriage. It’s funny that the same culture that keeps selling the myth of self pleasure (find what makes you happy and go after it) is the same one where marriages are crumbling and true love seems to be an unobtainable dream. Rabbit Trail: Of course that culture has also influenced the church and now the divorce rate in the church is almost even with that of those outside of it. Why? Instead of seeking purity, people seek Burger King theology: “My way, right away” and lose sight of what God has in store for us in marriage… I digress.

Purity is something we ought to model and encourage our children from day one. SHOW THEM what it looks like to love God with every aspect of your life. DEMONSTRATE humility when you fall short and mess up by seeking forgiveness (how else will they come to know and understand unconditional love and forgiveness?). Get them excited about marriage by making your spouse the #2 priority in your life, with God being #1. Pray for them and their future spouse!

#2... Purity starts in our thoughts. What are our teens thinking about? What do they think about love, dating, physical touch, etc.?

YES – it is very awkward talking about oral sex, “feeling” under clothing, “French kissing,” lustful thoughts of the opposite sex and sexual intercourse (to name a few). BUT IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS! Our teens are hearing about these things, seeing it (it’s on the internet, in music videos, video games, movies and on public TV – the new 90210 on CW showed a suggested scene of oral sex in its series premiere), wondering about it and thinking about it a lot! Who is going to be their teacher? Who is going to teach them a good, solid, Biblical worldview on these matters? The parents – it is our calling and obligation… period.

As awkward as it is – start by bringing it up. Offer your teen an open forum! Tell them they can talk to you any time about any of those topics without consequence. If you haven’t heard from them about it after a while, bring it up again and check in on them.

There are two key ways to help teach them (and us as parents, for that matter) protect their thoughts: (1) Be cautious about what we let in (whether heard, seen, etc.), (2) teach about real love, real intimacy, Godly marriage, the privilege of loving someone more than themselves, etc. Again, we’re not trying to put restrictions on our teens (though there are times that is necessary since many times they aren’t capable of making the right choices because their minds are still developing), but to help them see down the road – about a life and marriage committed to God and one another.

#3... When it comes to touching – what do your teens think is “the limit” (how far is too far)? What do you think is “the limit”?

Based on 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (READ THIS PASSAGE!) and what I’ve personally enjoyed in marriage I am an advocate for no touching until marriage. This is a VERY prudish statement today, I know. Even Christians are probably asking out loud as they read this “NO TOUCHING?!?!?” or screaming “that’s not realistic!” I am aware it may seem out-of-touch (however, my question to that is “out of touch with who? God? The world where the divorce rate is climbing and people are opting out of getting married all together?”) and is far easier said than done. I’m tired of seeing marriages crumbling and I think it’s time we face the fact that going after what we want with little to no patience (or worship for that matter) isn’t getting us what we (or God) want in the long run. Most people desire an intimate relationship that lasts, but how can that happen when at its inception the relationship is founded on selfishness (fulfilling my desires now versus in a committed, loving marriage as God designed)?

“What’s wrong with innocent stuff, like kissing?” Nothing – God designed it. Three points, though: (1) What's "innocent" and according to what/who do you define innocent? Innocent is a relative term - it changes as our desires allow it to. (2) If a husband kisses a woman who is not his wife – most would agree there is a problem with it (the Bible calls it adultery). Teens may not have a spouse at the moment, but they will (most likely) one day. Instead of thinking about loving themselves by fulfilling their desires right now, why not teach them to love their spouse by respecting their own bodies (after all, after they’re married, that body belongs to their spouse)? (3) Why kiss? To show affection? Why not teach teens how to love and show affection without kissing? That helps protect them now, makes kissing that much more intimate with their spouse later and teaches them how to be affectionate in other ways other than just sex after they’re married.

To be transparent… Because most parents (if not all) did not meet this standard when they were dating (myself included), they feel as if it’s unfair to impose it on our kids. This could not be further from the truth!!! Our goal as parents is not to restrict our kids from fun – we are trying to enhance it! We are trying to help them enjoy the full benefits of a sexual relationship in the right relationship – marriage. To enjoy all that it has to offer while enjoying the benefit of a spouse that has pledged their commitment, loyalty and protection to them. We should not set the bar lower because we didn’t meet it. We use our story and shortcomings and the example of our present marriages now to encourage our kids to put their future spouses above their desires now.

#4... When it comes to influences, I think it’s important that parents take a proactive approach in their teens lives.

Ask them: “who are some of your favorite music artists?” “What are some of your favorite movies?” “What sort of things do you look for in friends?” Then ask follow up questions, like “Why?” I talked to a very “clean cut” girl the other day that is raised in church and has a SOLID family life. I asked her – “who is your favorite music artist?” and she replied “Soulja Boy” (whose music is filthy, degrading to women, morally bankrupt, etc.). Knowing her parents, I think they’d be beside themselves if they actually read some of his lyrics and knew what he was saying.

To be clear - I’m not about censorship, but I do think there is a time when parents NEED to be a censor. There is also a time for teaching and hearing out a teen, and using that conversation as a way of explaining why certain lyrics, philosophies, worldviews, etc. are wrong and what Truth really is and why they should embrace that over a selfish, narrow-minded worldview.

This concludes the Dating/Love/Relationships series… I hope you enjoyed it. I know a lot of what was said in it is often debated (after all, it’s not a new conversation). Even if you disagree with me on some or all points, I pray that at a minimum it at least challenged you and got you thinking. I know it has me… my wife and I talk almost on a daily basis about teaching this stuff to our own children. We don’t always agree, but we both go to bed together in prayer asking God for wisdom and praying for our children, that at the heart of all of this they will desire to love God more than anything else.

Beginning Monday I am going to try to start posting daily (mornings are my goal) about popular topics in culture, news, etc. Also, because of the frequency of the posts I will begin making them shorter, too. Stop by daily as a part of your news fix!

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What Is Dating and When Should It Happen (or Should It?)? (A Guide for Parents and Thoughts for Teens/Singles)

The funny thing about dating is that if you ask people “what is dating?” you’ll hear a variety of answers. I ask this question of teenagers quite regularly and here is a small sample of the answers I’ve received over the years:

• Spending time with someone (I asked what happens when that relationship ends, they usually reply “find someone else”)
• Looking for a husband/wife
• Having fun
• I don’t know – you just like [someone] and hangout with them

So to ask “what is dating” is a rather ambiguous exercise because no one (even adults) really knows – they just do it. It’s pretty much certain, however, that you will see the following present in the majority of dating relationships:

• A title/declaration (my girlfriend/boyfriend/“just dating”/“playing the field”)
• Spend time together in special activities (movies, dinner, carnival, etc.)
• Friendship (often putting other friends second to the bf/gf of the moment)
• Best sides are put forward (typically masking/not disclosing those silly quarks – or real issues)
• Alone time (it’s not a real “date” unless the couple is alone somewhere)
• Emotional intimacy (the sharing of feelings, hopes, dreams, faith and more)
• Physical relationship (hand holding, hugging, kissing, making out, sexual intimacy)

To cut to the chase (since there could be much conversation here), it honestly seems like the only real factor that changes a male/female friendship from friends to “dating” is the physical relationship. Yes, emotional intimacy can be another difference, but it alone is not something exclusive to the dating relationship (friends can be emotionally intimate – often the reason for the “best friend” title). Besides that, when’s the last time you heard someone say “I’d love to share my hopes, feelings and dreams with you – would you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?” It’s more like friends one minute – start holding hands or kissing and “now we’re boyfriend and girlfriend” (or visa versa – change titles from friends to bf/gf, therefore, our new entitlement is physical intimacy).

To illustrate my previous point further (that is, there is no clear understanding of what dating is or parameters for practicing it), I hear the following statement a lot: “I do like him/her but I don’t want to go out with them because I’m afraid it would mess up our friendship.” Really? I thought that was kind of the whole point of marriage – to marry your best friend (so to speak) and grow closer together in that friendship. Besides that, *sarcasm alert* what could possibly happen in a dating relationship that would “mess up” your friendship? Ah, yes… physical intimacy. Once you cross certain lines (expressing love physically) it is kind of hard to go back to “just friends.” Therefore, the “friendship” is, indeed, often times ruined.

Dating can (and should) happen without physical intimacy. Yes, I know that seems archaic and out-dated considering how many of us as adults included it in our relationships and the fact that this type of thinking is almost laughable today. However, to those who are married I pose one question: do our present spouses feel more loved, valued and cherished because we tested others out (physically) first? Sure, we learn from our mistakes, but I have yet to meet a Godly couple that looks back and says “man, I’m glad we had so many partners (kissing or more) before we got married. It makes me feel so loved to know that I’m not the only one on your lips.” (If you’re like me right now, that last statement actually makes you slightly angry/upset/disturbed, whether it is at yourself or the thought of someone else having had the chance to cherish your spouse as you do now). This is why I wholeheartedly believe that we need to teach our CHILDREN (no matter their age) about the value of marriage as God designed it (not “following their heart”) and guide them to a Godly model of “dating.”

Godly dating (or “courting” as this model is often called) ought to set out with friendship as the goal and foundation, while removing physical intimacy until marriage. It puts the relationship in its proper place and encourages the couple to truly put the other one first. It practices from the beginning everything 1 Corinthians 13:4-9 (the “love chapter”) rejoices in:

• Patience
• Kindness (to the future spouse, future children, etc.)
• Proper practice (“does not act improperly”)
• Selflessness (much harder road than dating’s selfish “what’s in it for me, now?”)
• Rejecting that which could hurt, now or later (namely sin)
• Is excited by Godliness (“no joy in unrighteousness”)
• Living in Truth (versus secrecy or deceit)
• Fighting for real love (“bears, hopes, believes and endures all things” – real love is never easy)

No where does it say that practicing physical intimacy is necessary for this type of love to be experienced. Physical intimacy, instead, seals and expresses in a purely unique way our commitment to our spouse (hence the reason God said the “two become one flesh”). No one else is designed to enjoy such intimacy with our spouse. It is single-handedly the most amazing, unique relationship mankind can enjoy (even above the parent-child relationship because the only two people who can enjoy each other with such intimacy is the husband and wife).

Parents, as I mentioned before, this is not a new methodology. It’s a Biblical approach to a relational system (dating) that has gone way off path, become purely selfish (all about me) and lost its vision (there is very little mention of the future in dating anymore – it’s about the here and now). It places the emphasis back where it was originally designed to be - on marriage (not the here and now)! Yes, this seems like an impossible and unlikely task - like trying to out run a locomotive or leap a tall building in a single bound, without Superman's powers. No one said parenting biblically would be an easy task. But we join together, bathed in prayer, as we work to lead our children to amazing marriages and times of worship (now and later with their own families).

So how do we work AGAINST a system so firmly established in our culture (a confused pattern of dating is in all our movies, music, shows, books, schools, etc.)? We’ll cover that next week when I talk about “What to teach our children.”

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