I don’t know when it happened, but somehow, someway sex has become a taboo topic in the church. Teens are scared to say “sex” and adults squirm in their pews when it’s said. Teens and adults alike will watch show after show and listen to song after song that talk about sex (many times laughing or singing along), but “talk about it in the church? That’s uncomfortable.”
Recently a Catholic Priest, Ksawery Knotz, published a new book entitled Sex As You Don't Know It: For Married Couples Who Love God. In it he writes that there is nothing wrong with a steamy sex life; even going so far as saying it is a “good thing.” Maybe it’s because he’s a Catholic Priest writing on the subject, or because of the extreme traditionalism of the Catholic church, but for some reason it was newsworthy enough for Fox News to publish a story on the book. Regardless of why it was covered in the news I am excited because it opens the channels of communication again for this great love story that God created!
God created sex. As I joke with couples in counseling: it was not man or woman’s idea. Adam and Eve weren’t sitting around the Garden of Eden bored saying “so now what do we do?” and then stumbled into sex. God created them differently (man and woman) a placed a desire for one another in each of them. As soon as Adam saw Eve he was hooked (cue the old joke: he saw her and said "Whoa! Man!" Thus she’ll be known as ‘woman’.”)! The sexual relationship was designed by God to be one of the defining parts of a marital relationship (one of the key elements that make it so different from any other relationship). Men and women were created with a desire for one another already built in them (so-to-speak). They then enjoy the fullest physical and emotional pleasure possible with one another inside the protected, safe and committed marriage relationship.
In a world that has no boundaries for sex – that embraces girls going wild, open marriages, pornography, sexual dating relationships, etc. God’s design for the sexual relationship in marriage has been forgotten, misunderstood and misrepresented. “Enjoyable sex” between and man and wife seems ungodly now (like God doesn’t want man and wife to enjoy sexual intimacy - not sure how that belief came to be) or as if it is an oxymoron. It has become nothing more than a comic’s punch line: either (1) you never have sex once you are married, or (2) it becomes stale and unexciting.
BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT GOD HAD IN MIND for husbands and wives!!
God created sex (between a husband and wife in a covenant marriage) to be exciting, captivating, fun, pleasurable, enjoyable, lovely, passionate, engaging, intimate, creative, moving, enthralling, enchanting and, yes, even steamy! 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 tells husbands and wives that they belong to one another. It tells them to be sure to fulfill one another (yes, sexually) and to make sure they do so REGULARLY! Not out of obligation, but out of passion and love and dedication to your beloved spouse who is equally committed to you.
SINGLES or COUPLES LIVING TOGETHER (UNMARRIED): I understand your fear of marriage. In a world that has completely lost what it means to be married, with a divorce rate that has climbed to 50% and with so many marriages that seem to struggle (including in the church) I can understand your fear from wanting to be “that couple.” However, know that you are not protecting yourselves or your relationship. You are missing out!! God has crafted us in such a way that we crave intimacy from our spouse; hence the reason husbands and wives become “one flesh” – they are so intimately wound together that neither knows where one starts and the other stops! When we live with someone outside of marriage we steal from God what He designed for us and our own good and turn it into something He never desired for us. We actually set ourselves up for hurt.
HUSBANDS AND WIVES WHO ARE STRUGGLING: Know that you are NOT alone. This world and its desire to corrupt what God made for good and pleasure has made it difficult for many couples. However, having a successful, loving and passionate marriage is not an impossible feat! For those struggling, I recommend a couple resources: (1) the movie “Fireproof” (watch it together and then go through the book “The Love Dare”), (2) the book “God on Sex” by Daniel Akin (this is a POWERFUL and wonderful book based on Song of Solomon from the Bible), (3) take a small weekend trip together with your spouse; use it as a trip to pour into one another and love one another as intimately and deeply as you know how to, (4) transparency! Sit with your pastor (or go to a local church and speak to one if you aren’t in church) and share with him your struggles as a husband and wife and seek help in restoring your marriage.
When you encourage your teen to “abstain,” what is it, exactly, that you want them to abstain from? Yes, we should be advocates of sex after marriage for our children, but what about all the “stuff” that leads up to the sex? What about the intimate/lustful thoughts? The kissing? The making out? The touching? The caressing? The passion? The selling-out of the heart (allowing feelings to develop and grow for a person)?
Abstinence is wrong for three reasons: (1) it's all about limiting... God is not about limiting, but abundance (sex is a God-given intimacy that should be ENJOYED... in the right relationship, at the right time, with the right person)! (2) It has more of a push to save the world from STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Both are good causes, but what about the rewards of loving your future spouse more than yourself? What about loving God and displaying that love with a Godly lifestyle? (3) It falls seriously short of confronting the real issue - the heart. It's not just a sex thing, but a heart thing. Who is ultimately being loved?
To a large degree, the pursuit of true love that champions patience, truth, right/Godly living, protection (as in protecting the other person in the relationship’s thoughts, hopes, bodies, etc.), etc. has been lost. To say it another way – the pursuit of purity has been lost because, relationally speaking, it is not God whom people try to please or worship in their relationships, but instead it is either their significant other or themselves.
As parents we know these struggles our teens face and it would be wise of us to empathize with them and let them know that what they think about and struggle with is common!! Sexual relationships are God-given and desiring to be part of one is NOT sinful… however, what happens from there is where the temptation and dangers lie. Checkout 1 Corinthians 10:12-13… it’s a great reminder to us that temptation is common and an encouragement to us that since it is common we are not alone (we aren’t the first to face it, and won’t be the last).
So how can we guide our kids/teens? What are some things we can do/say to lead them toward purity (loving God with all our heart, mind and soul – in other words, with the way we live our lives)?
#1... It is never too early to teach purity.
The key to teaching about purity is not about teaching rules or limits. Purity is about us seeking to worship God with every facet of our life (1 Cor. 10:31 – from the same chapter as the temptation passage above). It’s all about learning to love God more than anything else and seeing His world as He created it, especially marriage. It’s funny that the same culture that keeps selling the myth of self pleasure (find what makes you happy and go after it) is the same one where marriages are crumbling and true love seems to be an unobtainable dream. Rabbit Trail: Of course that culture has also influenced the church and now the divorce rate in the church is almost even with that of those outside of it. Why? Instead of seeking purity, people seek Burger King theology: “My way, right away” and lose sight of what God has in store for us in marriage… I digress.
Purity is something we ought to model and encourage our children from day one. SHOW THEM what it looks like to love God with every aspect of your life. DEMONSTRATE humility when you fall short and mess up by seeking forgiveness (how else will they come to know and understand unconditional love and forgiveness?). Get them excited about marriage by making your spouse the #2 priority in your life, with God being #1. Pray for them and their future spouse!
#2... Purity starts in our thoughts. What are our teens thinking about? What do they think about love, dating, physical touch, etc.?
YES – it is very awkward talking about oral sex, “feeling” under clothing, “French kissing,” lustful thoughts of the opposite sex and sexual intercourse (to name a few). BUT IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS! Our teens are hearing about these things, seeing it (it’s on the internet, in music videos, video games, movies and on public TV – the new 90210 on CW showed a suggested scene of oral sex in its series premiere), wondering about it and thinking about it a lot! Who is going to be their teacher? Who is going to teach them a good, solid, Biblical worldview on these matters? The parents – it is our calling and obligation… period.
As awkward as it is – start by bringing it up. Offer your teen an open forum! Tell them they can talk to you any time about any of those topics without consequence. If you haven’t heard from them about it after a while, bring it up again and check in on them.
There are two key ways to help teach them (and us as parents, for that matter) protect their thoughts: (1) Be cautious about what we let in (whether heard, seen, etc.), (2) teach about real love, real intimacy, Godly marriage, the privilege of loving someone more than themselves, etc. Again, we’re not trying to put restrictions on our teens (though there are times that is necessary since many times they aren’t capable of making the right choices because their minds are still developing), but to help them see down the road – about a life and marriage committed to God and one another.
#3... When it comes to touching – what do your teens think is “the limit” (how far is too far)? What do you think is “the limit”?
Based on 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (READ THIS PASSAGE!) and what I’ve personally enjoyed in marriage I am an advocate for no touching until marriage. This is a VERY prudish statement today, I know. Even Christians are probably asking out loud as they read this “NO TOUCHING?!?!?” or screaming “that’s not realistic!” I am aware it may seem out-of-touch (however, my question to that is “out of touch with who? God? The world where the divorce rate is climbing and people are opting out of getting married all together?”) and is far easier said than done. I’m tired of seeing marriages crumbling and I think it’s time we face the fact that going after what we want with little to no patience (or worship for that matter) isn’t getting us what we (or God) want in the long run. Most people desire an intimate relationship that lasts, but how can that happen when at its inception the relationship is founded on selfishness (fulfilling my desires now versus in a committed, loving marriage as God designed)?
“What’s wrong with innocent stuff, like kissing?” Nothing – God designed it. Three points, though: (1) What's "innocent" and according to what/who do you define innocent? Innocent is a relative term - it changes as our desires allow it to. (2) If a husband kisses a woman who is not his wife – most would agree there is a problem with it (the Bible calls it adultery). Teens may not have a spouse at the moment, but they will (most likely) one day. Instead of thinking about loving themselves by fulfilling their desires right now, why not teach them to love their spouse by respecting their own bodies (after all, after they’re married, that body belongs to their spouse)? (3) Why kiss? To show affection? Why not teach teens how to love and show affection without kissing? That helps protect them now, makes kissing that much more intimate with their spouse later and teaches them how to be affectionate in other ways other than just sex after they’re married.
To be transparent… Because most parents (if not all) did not meet this standard when they were dating (myself included), they feel as if it’s unfair to impose it on our kids. This could not be further from the truth!!! Our goal as parents is not to restrict our kids from fun – we are trying to enhance it! We are trying to help them enjoy the full benefits of a sexual relationship in the right relationship – marriage. To enjoy all that it has to offer while enjoying the benefit of a spouse that has pledged their commitment, loyalty and protection to them. We should not set the bar lower because we didn’t meet it. We use our story and shortcomings and the example of our present marriages now to encourage our kids to put their future spouses above their desires now.
#4... When it comes to influences, I think it’s important that parents take a proactive approach in their teens lives.
Ask them: “who are some of your favorite music artists?” “What are some of your favorite movies?” “What sort of things do you look for in friends?” Then ask follow up questions, like “Why?” I talked to a very “clean cut” girl the other day that is raised in church and has a SOLID family life. I asked her – “who is your favorite music artist?” and she replied “Soulja Boy” (whose music is filthy, degrading to women, morally bankrupt, etc.). Knowing her parents, I think they’d be beside themselves if they actually read some of his lyrics and knew what he was saying.
To be clear - I’m not about censorship, but I do think there is a time when parents NEED to be a censor. There is also a time for teaching and hearing out a teen, and using that conversation as a way of explaining why certain lyrics, philosophies, worldviews, etc. are wrong and what Truth really is and why they should embrace that over a selfish, narrow-minded worldview.
This concludes the Dating/Love/Relationships series… I hope you enjoyed it. I know a lot of what was said in it is often debated (after all, it’s not a new conversation). Even if you disagree with me on some or all points, I pray that at a minimum it at least challenged you and got you thinking. I know it has me… my wife and I talk almost on a daily basis about teaching this stuff to our own children. We don’t always agree, but we both go to bed together in prayer asking God for wisdom and praying for our children, that at the heart of all of this they will desire to love God more than anything else.
Beginning Monday I am going to try to start posting daily (mornings are my goal) about popular topics in culture, news, etc. Also, because of the frequency of the posts I will begin making them shorter, too. Stop by daily as a part of your news fix!
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I was reading the book "Family Driven Faith" by Voddie Bauchum recently and in it he makes a pretty blunt, but profound statement... today "dating is nothing more than divorce practice” for later.
Divorce practice?
Today teens date until they lose interest. As soon as someone better looking/more interesting or fun comes along – they’re gone. As soon as the relationship gets boring – they’re gone. As soon as they don’t get along as well as they did before – it’s over. No working through things. No compromise. Why? A few reasons…
Why work through it? It’s easier to move on.
Poor models make for poor examples. Children see, children do. They see moms and dads bail out all the time, why can’t they?
Too young to be dealing with those issues/not capable of making the right choice. Not for nothing, relationships are complex and not for the faint of heart. 16 year olds (no offense to my 16 year old and under audience) are not capable of wrestling with these issues – nor should they have to! They’re still two years away from being able to be legally married. More on this later.
Not much thought goes into who to date; therefore, not much thought is put into making it work. Also, if not much thought is put into who to date, then the reasons for the splits are sometimes legit because they find out more about the guy/girl after dating a bit; however, this stuff is able to be discovered before giving them so much room in their heart.
This is where parents come in. Should we have expectations of our children and their relationships? Absolutely! Scripture demands it (parents are to be intentional in the discipleship of their children… growing “little Christ’s” – those who worship and follow the Savior) and, believe it or not, your kids are looking for them. They want to know what “dating” is and how to do it. They want to know the dreams and desires you have for them – that you are on their side and praying for them and their future spouse.
Because this is such a lengthy topic, I plan to do a four part series in the blog about “dating” and the Bible (teaching parents to teach children about dating).
Part 1 – What is dating and when should it happen (or should it?)?
Part 2 – What to teach our children
Part 3 – The purity myth/Abstinence is Wrong
I plan to do this topic for a few reasons: (1) As a youth pastor the dating/boyfriend/girlfriend topic is the one requested the most by teens. Why not teach parents how to teach it to your kids so that they hear it at home AND at church! (2) Our message to our kids/teens is too ambiguous and jumbled up – it changes from adult to adult. This should not be the case! (3) To examine Scripture and make sure we have a Biblical vision and approach to leading our children in “dating.”
Because there is so much interest in this topic I will try my best to get more than one entry out per week, but that all depends on my schedule. I will try to have Part 1 out by Monday of next week.
A word of encouragement to my fellow parents: I am not a perfect parent (nor have I ever claimed to be). My heart’s desire is like yours – to worship God and lead my family to Him. I have had successes (I think) and I have had failures (I'm sure of it). I have no idea what’s in store for my children and their relationships, but I pray they will always know my wife and I pour our hearts out in prayer for them and that they will desire to worship God with their future spouses. I don’t write these blog entries as a proven method, but as an intention to seek and lead my children in worship. I write this as a tool for both you and my wife and I as we labor together in teaching our children to “love the Lord, our God, with all [their] heart(s), mind(s), and soul(s)”. Pray for us and we commit to pray for you as well.
Until the next entry… Blessings!!!
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Britney Spears - “America’s Sweetheart” - is back, apparently, and her new song/video “Womanizer” is all the buzz. Reviews are positive from critics and music bloggers to ecstatic Britney fans alike. And what lessons has she learned from her struggles (anyone remember “bald Britney”?, losing her children, being caught in several public incidents, etc.)? Apparently none. Her music has not matured and neither has she, unfortunately.
“Womanizer” represents everything parents ought to teach their daughters and sons to NOT to be, or look for in potential spouses: flirty, morally lost, selfish and focused only on sexual attraction (not real love, intimacy, etc.). The song's lyrics have a hint of hope to them as she tells the womanizer she has no time for him; however, she ultimtely blows it by telling him "no" in a flirty manner while playful acknowledging that she does like him and want him. Since I have no desire in promoting anyone watching the video (lyrics can be found here), here are a few highlights from it:
Britney appears entirely nude throughout the majority of the video, laying down and moving provocatively (she wasn’t able to cover everything, so the strategically placed “blur” helps her
“Morning after Britney” shows her in a shirt and bra cooking breakfast for the “womanizer” man who she apparently slept with
“Office Britney” dances provocatively around the office, flirting with the “womanizer” and posing for his iPhone pics while sitting on the copy machine and making a copy of what’s under her skirt (yes, she shows the camera the copy)
Britney and dancers (male and female) dance sexually around the “womanizer” while kissing him and each other
"Morning After Britney” exacts her revenge by making her bed while he’s in the shower (yes it shows that too) and showing him who’s boss by not sleeping with him again
There are several other over-the-top and suggestive sequences, but I think you get the idea
So, let me get this straight… Britney proves to the womanizer (the man) that she is “all woman” by stripping, sleeping with him, dancing sexually around him, teasing him, then walking away? So the essence of her value as a woman is in her sexuality?
What about her motherhood?
Being a wife (former wife)?
Loving others less fortunate?
Loving God (the One she said she used to love with all her heart as a child/teen)?
My heart hurts for her… I thought after all she had been through, Britney was going to come out of it all with better understanding and clarity of mind. Instead, we get the same, sexually-driven Britney who speaks sweetly in interviews, but has no idea who she truly is or what she’s truly worth.
Parents: Since most of your teens and tweens have (or will have, soon) heard this song. Read the lyrics and use it as a conversational tool. Discuss what God describes as valuable. Who they are in Christ. What marriage is and why they ought to look forward to sexuality in that type of relationship versus what's seen in this video (and other TV shows). Here are some Bible passages for you to check out to help: 2 Timothy 2:21-22, Ephesians 1:3-14, James 1:22-25, 1 Peter 3:3-5
Apparently most things do have a price, at least according to 22 year old “Natalie Dylan” (her pseudonym) who is auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder. While she doesn’t have a specific figure in mind, she has said that $1 million has crossed her mind (according to a report I saw on one of the morning shows – GMA, Today, etc… I don’t remember which one). “Why would she do that?” you ask. Her answer: “to pay for college.”
As a fellow sufferer of “college debt” (I have plenty of student loans out that are being paid off verrrryyyyy sloooowwwwwllllllyyyyy) I can relate to Ms. “Dylan’s” predicament, as well as her desire to be financially stable. Matter of fact I’ve dreamt about a check for $100,000 magically showing up a our house to take care of all our student loans, debts and to have some left over to give us a fresh start at better financial decision making (compared to those decisions we made as young, married college students); however, auctioning off my wife, kids, my reputation, my faith, my dignity, etc. has never been an option.
She states: "I don't think auctioning my virginity will solve all my problems, but it will create some financial stability." I agree… it very well could give her some initial financial stability… but at what cost? She seems to be intuitive enough to know that the money won’t fix all her problems; however, it doesn’t appear as though she’s thought through the ramifications of her decision (namely, all the new problems that will arise when she follows through). Here are some possibilities:
1. The possible negative feelings she may experience as a result (such as feeling cheap, used, etc.)
2. The negative reputation she will certainly gain (she will be known as the girl who “slept her way through college”… people who sleep their way to the top/through something are rarely respected and are typically viewed as someone who didn’t earn their accomplishments)
3. The label of “prostitute” will certainly come with this decision, since she is receiving money/college education for sex. Side Note: This activity illegal in 49.5 of the 50 states, which is probably why she is doing the deed in a “legal” brothel in Nevada (the .5 that still allow it), so she can avoid criminal charges in addition to the money.
These three are just possibilities and are not exhaustive, as she will certainly face several other “problems” as a result of her decision.
I pray “Natalie” will change her mind and value herself in a way that money never can. That she will see her value the way God does (Psalm 8:3-9, John 3:16-21, Ephesians 1:4-10). I also pray that as she weighs the consequences of this decision she will think also of those who are going to be affected by her choice (her present family, her future spouse, her future children, her future employer and all of their reputations). Finally, I pray she will turn from the quick fix to solve her problems and look to God for answers, healing and help as she navigates through this turbulent time in her life.
For those who are reading this right now and have similar aspirations (selling yourself or part of yourself, to include pics and such) for quick solutions, know that there are other ways!! If you would like answers or guidance, feel free to email me... I may not have all the answers, but I will certainly help you find them!
"What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36)
Until next time my C2 bloggers... CONTEND FOR THE FAITH!! :-)
I'm a Jesus Freak, for real! I'm sold out, bought out follower of the One True Lord, Jesus Christ.
I love my wife - no doubt about it! She's my #1 girl and always will be. I love my 3 kids - they make me smile! The best day in the world is spending time with the four of them.
I love discussing the arts (especially film and music) and sharing hope found in Christ.
I'm a nut... love laughing, sarcasm and love talking with witty people. I'm sure there's more, but that's kinda me in a nutshell *"look this is me in a nutshell... how did i get in here?"*
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