Mom and Dad - Time to Grow Up!

I don’t write many entries that are “venting” in nature, but I think it is time adults, especially parents (especially Christian ones) need to grow up a bit. Let’s go ahead and throw down the proverbial Christian trump card and get it out of the way – I know no one is perfect (myself included), but it does not give us the liberty to continue being childish!

What am I talking about? The ridiculous childishness that IS adulthood.

Not for nothing, but as a teenager one reason I looked forward to being adult was being rid of the high schoolish “Do you like me?” Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No’, he said/she said, "I don’t want to be judged", "I want to be loved", “do I look good enough?” drama! At 31, I now see that that reality does not exist…

• Parents lack backbone to teach their children appropriate, God-based morals for fear of offending someone. It’s no wonder kids and teens are so confused. Schools tell them “safe” is better, tolerance is mandatory (and intolerant people, most notably Christians, are widely ignored and looked down upon), love is blind (which it is NOT), entertainment should be mindless (none of it is made mindlessly, why should we watch it and not question it or its messages?) and that the best guide in life is their heart (which, as Scripture and our own stories affirm, changes day to day and often times leads us to do wrong just to be happy). Parents TEACH and model for your children Godliness!

• Gossip! He said/she said is alive and well in the world of adults. They even Facebook, Twitter, blog and YouTube their disdain for others! Really? Even in the church Gossip is rampant (the worst of the offenders – those who lift up info about others as a “prayer request”). Here’s a pretty good rule of thumb – if the person you speak of is not in the room, don’t talk about them – PERIOD. This includes doing it at the dinner table or in small talk with your teens/kids!

• Parents many times are vindictive and juvenile. Don’t believe me? Just today a story was posted about a high school cheerleading coach who posed nude for Playboy. People knew about it (except the school administration apparently) and said nothing – that is until a couple kids didn’t make the cheerleading squad. So, what did the parents of the teens who were cut do? Print the pics and put them on the principal’s desk! Nice. Not at all immature. Do I condone what the teacher did? No – if she wanted to do that, she should have resigned, and then did it (though, again, I do not think she should have done it at all). However, the parents’ response is despicable to me. So, what’s the lesson for our teens? When someone is doing wrong keep your lips shut until you can use it as blackmail later to get what you want. Check.

• Parents who want to be cool with their kids (note the handful of cases where parents have bought alcohol and such for their teens and their friends). Don’t get me wrong, I am (and want to be) my son’s best buddy, but make no mistake about it – I am his father! That God-given role is the most unique relationship he has in his life right now, until he gets married. My job as his father, my wife’s job as his mother – our collective job as parents – is to teach Truth, model integrity and Godliness, and lead them in the way they should go, even when they don’t get it (and they won’t many times – we didn’t!) and don’t want it (which they won’t, so they think – they’ll thank you later though).

• Parents who say with their lips “it’s not what outside that’s important but what’s inside” all the while dolling up their teen or looking in the mirror themselves and complaining about their wrinkles, extra curves, or losing the battle with gravity. It’s no wonder teen girls (too include some in my youth group) think looks are everything and view aging as something ugly and in need of avoiding at all costs.

I could easily go on, but I’ll stop for now. Parents, please, please, please take a moment to heed this post. Ask God to open your heart to it and your eyes to it. Be willing to ask “do any of these describe me in any way?” If so, pray God to change your heart with each new day to reflect Truth, real love, integrity and a heart bent toward Him!

“There is much more we would like to say about this, but it is difficult to explain, especially since you are spiritually dull and don’t seem to listen. You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food. For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn’t know how to do what is right. Solid food is for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong." (Hebrews 5:11-14)

“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." (1 Corinthians 13:11)

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Image borrowed from http://www.healthline.com/blogs/teen_health/uploaded_images/1577697374_e9a0f7f9dc_m-736343.jpg

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It's Not About Being Good

In our do-good American culture, our love for God compels us to teach our kids that a major part of being a Christian is being a “good person”; however, this lesson is usually very misguided.

There are plenty of good people (though “good” is actually a relative term… but that’s a whole different entry for another day) who are not believers. So what distinguishes us (Christians) from the rest of the good people? What makes us distinctly Christian? Is it our good deeds? No, but this is the sort of thing we unintentionally teach our children when we tell them to be good people.

We are often do so well at focusing on being good, that we unintentionally camouflage our faith from the world! Then when people look at us and say “he/she is a good person” and their words of praise are all about us, not the One who changed our hearts.

Case in point: My wife and I were talking about her work place and discussing who might be followers of Christ. When it came down to it, she really did not know because of how incognito the believers seemed to be. Even many of those who she knew were Christians seemed to be in hiding, only revealing their faith in their good deeds. The only real way to know for sure was to ask them.

I'm not saying we should be people who do not do or teach good. However, when our "good" is the only measurable tool the public has to go on for determining our faith, it is DANGEROUS ground.

So What Should We Do/Teach?

There is a great part in the movie Fireproof that is a good illustration of how we ought to function in our work places and how people ought to know us. Kirk Cameron’s character (a non-Christian firefighter) is talking with another non-Christian firefighter about life and death. Without giving you the whole conversation, suffice it to say that Kirk’s character mentioned another firefighter in their unit who is a very strong believer and works hard to make that known by his words, actions, and lifestyle. He said (referencing the Christian firefighter) “what he believes may be hard to believe, but you got to admit - he’s the real deal.”

Our lessons to our kids and lifestyles ought to reflect the words of John Piper who states that believers ought to seek to “make much of Christ.” This doesn’t mean we go around saying “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…”, but what it does mean is that we intentionally seek to make MUCH of Him in our lives.

• When people come to us for advice, we share with them from Scripture.

• When we make decisions on life, we try to look at this life through the lens of Scripture (in other words, we develop a Biblical Worldview).

• We don’t live self righteous lives (“I’m less of a sinner than so-and-so” or “at least I go to church” or “I am a good person…”), but instead practice GRACE. We don’t seek to get “what’s mine” or “what’s due to me” but instead serve, love and give regardless of who notices (and do so with absolute joy)!

• We seek to be intentional in loving God! Too often we set out to love God only if it is convenient, then justify ourselves in front of the world when we fall short (“No one’s perfect”). As DC Talk once said on one of their albums… “that is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.”

Teaching good behavior alone is not Biblical. Teaching "do right", alone, is not Biblical. We do "good" things as a way of worshiping. We ought to be living daily to make much of Christ and teaching children to live the same way!

Christ is the visible image of the invisible God. He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation, for through him God created everything in the heavenly realms and on earth. He made the things we can see and the things we can’t see - such as thrones, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities in the unseen world. Everything was created through him and for him. (Colossians 1:15-16, emphasis mine)

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How You (and Your Family) View the World

I was watching The View today (yes, I know… a hole must now be punched in my Man Card), and in it they brought up Jesus Christ and Satan. To begin the conversation Whoopi G quoted "spiritual guru" (whatever that is) Dr. Deepak Chopra as saying:

“Healthy people don’t have a need for Satan… healthy people need to confront their own issues, understand themselves.”

Cue Barbara Walters asking the rest of the table if they believe in Satan or Jesus Christ (Elisabeth and Sherri said “yes,” Whoopi nodded in interest, Joy cast jokes). Following this exchange, however, Barbara quoted a “study” (from the Bonner Group?) that stated the following:

• Only 9% of all adults have a “Biblical Worldview”
• Only 1% of adults 18-23 have a “Biblical Worldview”

While there are many things that can be asked about the truth of these numbers (Who is the Bonner Group? What was their sample group? Who was their sample group? etc.), based on my own experience in church ministry, campus ministry and family ministry, I think these numbers are closer to accurate then not.

How many people in our churches actually have (and LIVE according to) a Biblical Worldview? How many could actually describe what a Biblical Worldview is?

How would you, or your teens/kids answer the following questions:

1. Who is God?
2. Who is Jesus Christ?
3. How did the Universe come into existence?
4. What is man?
5. Why is there evil in the world? If yes, where does it originate?
6. Is there life after death?
7. Is there a such thing as Truth and if so, how can one know it, truly?

EVERYONE has a worldview… everyone has a thought on life and how it came about, how we are to function in it and what happens when our life ends. Our worldview drives how we answer questions about: love, relationships, worship, social justice, hope, spirituality, family, ethics, morality, etc.

What’s your worldview? What the worldview of your family?

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Additional Resources for you to use:

What Is Your Worldview? (Answers In Genesis)

What's a Worldview Anyway? (Focus on the Family's The Truth Project)

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Abstinence is Wrong

When you encourage your teen to “abstain,” what is it, exactly, that you want them to abstain from? Yes, we should be advocates of sex after marriage for our children, but what about all the “stuff” that leads up to the sex? What about the intimate/lustful thoughts? The kissing? The making out? The touching? The caressing? The passion? The selling-out of the heart (allowing feelings to develop and grow for a person)?

Abstinence is wrong for three reasons: (1) it's all about limiting... God is not about limiting, but abundance (sex is a God-given intimacy that should be ENJOYED... in the right relationship, at the right time, with the right person)! (2) It has more of a push to save the world from STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Both are good causes, but what about the rewards of loving your future spouse more than yourself? What about loving God and displaying that love with a Godly lifestyle? (3) It falls seriously short of confronting the real issue - the heart. It's not just a sex thing, but a heart thing. Who is ultimately being loved?

To a large degree, the pursuit of true love that champions patience, truth, right/Godly living, protection (as in protecting the other person in the relationship’s thoughts, hopes, bodies, etc.), etc. has been lost. To say it another way – the pursuit of purity has been lost because, relationally speaking, it is not God whom people try to please or worship in their relationships, but instead it is either their significant other or themselves.

As parents we know these struggles our teens face and it would be wise of us to empathize with them and let them know that what they think about and struggle with is common!! Sexual relationships are God-given and desiring to be part of one is NOT sinful… however, what happens from there is where the temptation and dangers lie. Checkout 1 Corinthians 10:12-13… it’s a great reminder to us that temptation is common and an encouragement to us that since it is common we are not alone (we aren’t the first to face it, and won’t be the last).

So how can we guide our kids/teens? What are some things we can do/say to lead them toward purity (loving God with all our heart, mind and soul – in other words, with the way we live our lives)?

#1... It is never too early to teach purity.

The key to teaching about purity is not about teaching rules or limits. Purity is about us seeking to worship God with every facet of our life (1 Cor. 10:31 – from the same chapter as the temptation passage above). It’s all about learning to love God more than anything else and seeing His world as He created it, especially marriage. It’s funny that the same culture that keeps selling the myth of self pleasure (find what makes you happy and go after it) is the same one where marriages are crumbling and true love seems to be an unobtainable dream. Rabbit Trail: Of course that culture has also influenced the church and now the divorce rate in the church is almost even with that of those outside of it. Why? Instead of seeking purity, people seek Burger King theology: “My way, right away” and lose sight of what God has in store for us in marriage… I digress.

Purity is something we ought to model and encourage our children from day one. SHOW THEM what it looks like to love God with every aspect of your life. DEMONSTRATE humility when you fall short and mess up by seeking forgiveness (how else will they come to know and understand unconditional love and forgiveness?). Get them excited about marriage by making your spouse the #2 priority in your life, with God being #1. Pray for them and their future spouse!

#2... Purity starts in our thoughts. What are our teens thinking about? What do they think about love, dating, physical touch, etc.?

YES – it is very awkward talking about oral sex, “feeling” under clothing, “French kissing,” lustful thoughts of the opposite sex and sexual intercourse (to name a few). BUT IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS! Our teens are hearing about these things, seeing it (it’s on the internet, in music videos, video games, movies and on public TV – the new 90210 on CW showed a suggested scene of oral sex in its series premiere), wondering about it and thinking about it a lot! Who is going to be their teacher? Who is going to teach them a good, solid, Biblical worldview on these matters? The parents – it is our calling and obligation… period.

As awkward as it is – start by bringing it up. Offer your teen an open forum! Tell them they can talk to you any time about any of those topics without consequence. If you haven’t heard from them about it after a while, bring it up again and check in on them.

There are two key ways to help teach them (and us as parents, for that matter) protect their thoughts: (1) Be cautious about what we let in (whether heard, seen, etc.), (2) teach about real love, real intimacy, Godly marriage, the privilege of loving someone more than themselves, etc. Again, we’re not trying to put restrictions on our teens (though there are times that is necessary since many times they aren’t capable of making the right choices because their minds are still developing), but to help them see down the road – about a life and marriage committed to God and one another.

#3... When it comes to touching – what do your teens think is “the limit” (how far is too far)? What do you think is “the limit”?

Based on 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (READ THIS PASSAGE!) and what I’ve personally enjoyed in marriage I am an advocate for no touching until marriage. This is a VERY prudish statement today, I know. Even Christians are probably asking out loud as they read this “NO TOUCHING?!?!?” or screaming “that’s not realistic!” I am aware it may seem out-of-touch (however, my question to that is “out of touch with who? God? The world where the divorce rate is climbing and people are opting out of getting married all together?”) and is far easier said than done. I’m tired of seeing marriages crumbling and I think it’s time we face the fact that going after what we want with little to no patience (or worship for that matter) isn’t getting us what we (or God) want in the long run. Most people desire an intimate relationship that lasts, but how can that happen when at its inception the relationship is founded on selfishness (fulfilling my desires now versus in a committed, loving marriage as God designed)?

“What’s wrong with innocent stuff, like kissing?” Nothing – God designed it. Three points, though: (1) What's "innocent" and according to what/who do you define innocent? Innocent is a relative term - it changes as our desires allow it to. (2) If a husband kisses a woman who is not his wife – most would agree there is a problem with it (the Bible calls it adultery). Teens may not have a spouse at the moment, but they will (most likely) one day. Instead of thinking about loving themselves by fulfilling their desires right now, why not teach them to love their spouse by respecting their own bodies (after all, after they’re married, that body belongs to their spouse)? (3) Why kiss? To show affection? Why not teach teens how to love and show affection without kissing? That helps protect them now, makes kissing that much more intimate with their spouse later and teaches them how to be affectionate in other ways other than just sex after they’re married.

To be transparent… Because most parents (if not all) did not meet this standard when they were dating (myself included), they feel as if it’s unfair to impose it on our kids. This could not be further from the truth!!! Our goal as parents is not to restrict our kids from fun – we are trying to enhance it! We are trying to help them enjoy the full benefits of a sexual relationship in the right relationship – marriage. To enjoy all that it has to offer while enjoying the benefit of a spouse that has pledged their commitment, loyalty and protection to them. We should not set the bar lower because we didn’t meet it. We use our story and shortcomings and the example of our present marriages now to encourage our kids to put their future spouses above their desires now.

#4... When it comes to influences, I think it’s important that parents take a proactive approach in their teens lives.

Ask them: “who are some of your favorite music artists?” “What are some of your favorite movies?” “What sort of things do you look for in friends?” Then ask follow up questions, like “Why?” I talked to a very “clean cut” girl the other day that is raised in church and has a SOLID family life. I asked her – “who is your favorite music artist?” and she replied “Soulja Boy” (whose music is filthy, degrading to women, morally bankrupt, etc.). Knowing her parents, I think they’d be beside themselves if they actually read some of his lyrics and knew what he was saying.

To be clear - I’m not about censorship, but I do think there is a time when parents NEED to be a censor. There is also a time for teaching and hearing out a teen, and using that conversation as a way of explaining why certain lyrics, philosophies, worldviews, etc. are wrong and what Truth really is and why they should embrace that over a selfish, narrow-minded worldview.

This concludes the Dating/Love/Relationships series… I hope you enjoyed it. I know a lot of what was said in it is often debated (after all, it’s not a new conversation). Even if you disagree with me on some or all points, I pray that at a minimum it at least challenged you and got you thinking. I know it has me… my wife and I talk almost on a daily basis about teaching this stuff to our own children. We don’t always agree, but we both go to bed together in prayer asking God for wisdom and praying for our children, that at the heart of all of this they will desire to love God more than anything else.

Beginning Monday I am going to try to start posting daily (mornings are my goal) about popular topics in culture, news, etc. Also, because of the frequency of the posts I will begin making them shorter, too. Stop by daily as a part of your news fix!

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"Dating is Divorce Practice"

I was reading the book "Family Driven Faith" by Voddie Bauchum recently and in it he makes a pretty blunt, but profound statement... today "dating is nothing more than divorce practice” for later.

Divorce practice?

Today teens date until they lose interest. As soon as someone better looking/more interesting or fun comes along – they’re gone. As soon as the relationship gets boring – they’re gone. As soon as they don’t get along as well as they did before – it’s over. No working through things. No compromise. Why? A few reasons…

• Why work through it? It’s easier to move on.

• Poor models make for poor examples. Children see, children do. They see moms and dads bail out all the time, why can’t they?

• Too young to be dealing with those issues/not capable of making the right choice. Not for nothing, relationships are complex and not for the faint of heart. 16 year olds (no offense to my 16 year old and under audience) are not capable of wrestling with these issues – nor should they have to! They’re still two years away from being able to be legally married. More on this later.

• Not much thought goes into who to date; therefore, not much thought is put into making it work. Also, if not much thought is put into who to date, then the reasons for the splits are sometimes legit because they find out more about the guy/girl after dating a bit; however, this stuff is able to be discovered before giving them so much room in their heart.

This is where parents come in. Should we have expectations of our children and their relationships? Absolutely! Scripture demands it (parents are to be intentional in the discipleship of their children… growing “little Christ’s” – those who worship and follow the Savior) and, believe it or not, your kids are looking for them. They want to know what “dating” is and how to do it. They want to know the dreams and desires you have for them – that you are on their side and praying for them and their future spouse.

Because this is such a lengthy topic, I plan to do a four part series in the blog about “dating” and the Bible (teaching parents to teach children about dating).

Part 1 – What is dating and when should it happen (or should it?)?

Part 2 – What to teach our children

Part 3 – The purity myth/Abstinence is Wrong

I plan to do this topic for a few reasons: (1) As a youth pastor the dating/boyfriend/girlfriend topic is the one requested the most by teens. Why not teach parents how to teach it to your kids so that they hear it at home AND at church! (2) Our message to our kids/teens is too ambiguous and jumbled up – it changes from adult to adult. This should not be the case! (3) To examine Scripture and make sure we have a Biblical vision and approach to leading our children in “dating.”

Because there is so much interest in this topic I will try my best to get more than one entry out per week, but that all depends on my schedule. I will try to have Part 1 out by Monday of next week.

A word of encouragement to my fellow parents: I am not a perfect parent (nor have I ever claimed to be). My heart’s desire is like yours – to worship God and lead my family to Him. I have had successes (I think) and I have had failures (I'm sure of it). I have no idea what’s in store for my children and their relationships, but I pray they will always know my wife and I pour our hearts out in prayer for them and that they will desire to worship God with their future spouses. I don’t write these blog entries as a proven method, but as an intention to seek and lead my children in worship. I write this as a tool for both you and my wife and I as we labor together in teaching our children to “love the Lord, our God, with all [their] heart(s), mind(s), and soul(s)”. Pray for us and we commit to pray for you as well.

Until the next entry… Blessings!!!

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