"Til (In)Convenience Do Us Part"

"Divorce Expert" Jill Brooke recently wrote an article entitled "For Those Getting Married: Banish 'Til Death Do Us Part'". Citing a 50% divorce rate she claims that the idea of death as the only reason for divorce encourages laziness within marriage, thus leading to the crumbling of half of marriages.

I agree with Mrs. Brooke in her conclusion, but not her premise. I think her claim that marriages collapse because of the phrasing "til death do us part" in their wedding vows is absurd. I think it would have probably been more wise of her to cite couples' failure to uphold the previous portion of traditional vows ("in sickness, in health, for richer, for poorer...") since that is the conclusion she ultimately draws. It is not the death part of the vow that cripples marriages, but (as she correctly states) their failure to serve, pursue, court, romance and live for one another. Instead spouses put themselves at the center of their own universe and leave their beloved spouse behind as they pursue selfish pursuits.

FOR THOSE GETTING MARRIED: EMBRACE 'TIL DEATH DO US PART'

The solution to the divorce problem isn't banishing the pledge of commitment or rewording it. It is fulfilling it and fighting to ensure its success. Here are a few reasons why banishing the phrase is a bad idea (and a proverbial straw man):

1. The problem isn't the phrase - it's the failure to honor it.

2. Banishing the phrase is banishing Him who created marriage - God. Marriage is a covenant relationship between man and wife and God. Before God, man and wife covenant (unending promise) with God to become one flesh together and to live for one another as they both live for God. Biblically, the only thing that ends a covenant is death.

3. Removing the phrase does not promote accountability to the marriage relationship (as Mrs. Brooke states), it removes trust and confidence in the union. The new vow will be "I commit to you until you are no longer committed to me or our union is no longer convenient." If a couple wants to remain accountable to their vow then they ought to: (1) read together what the Author of marriage says about real love, marriage and commitment/covenant, (2) check-in with one another regularly and ask "how am I doing loving, serving, pursuing and ministering to you spiritually? Do I demonstrate to you and those around us that you are valuable to me?"

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As always, feel free to email Christian the Christian at christianthechristian.c2@gmail.com.

Pic borrowed from here.
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Move Over Susan Boyle - This 21 Year Old Girl Really Never Has Been Kissed

As soon as Susan Boyle broke on to the scene as a web sensation (thanks to her "I Dreamed a Dream" performance on Britain's Got Talent), the immediate subtitle to her amazing performance was something to the effect of "And She's Never Been Kissed." This, of course, was later found to be untrue; however, there is a 21 year old girl in Washington who anxiously awaits her July wedding day to experience her first ever kiss.



Rachel Welch decided at 14 years old that she wanted to wait to kiss anyone until her wedding day. While I know Rachel isn't the only girl or guy to make this commitment, it is awesome to see some news outlets pay attention to a girl and guy with hearts bent toward experiencing real love, passion and intimacy the way God designed it be enjoyed.

My favorite line in her interview (with fiance Todd Ritter) was the one where she answered the objections of Todd's friends who asked "what if she's a terrible kisser? Or what if there are no sparks?" She replied "then we get our whole lives to work on it." AWESOME! Marriage is the place we are supposed to develop sparks and learn how to enjoy all the joys and benefits of sexual intimacy. To think we learn by practicing on others, then marrying someone else is a ridiculous lie that our culture has bought in to without question.

Props to Rachel (and Todd for honoring her and her promise)... this is the foundation of real love!

Share this video with your teens! Also, I encourage you to check out my post "Abstinence is Wrong" for more about this sort of commitment. Singles, take heart - it is never too late!

Want to join the conversation? Click here to comment or ask a question!

EDITORIAL NOTE: Again, I apologize for the long delay in writing. My parents have been in town and so I've taken some time off to be with them. They left earlier today (bummer), so I am back writing and dialoguing!

What Is Dating and When Should It Happen (or Should It?)? (A Guide for Parents and Thoughts for Teens/Singles)

The funny thing about dating is that if you ask people “what is dating?” you’ll hear a variety of answers. I ask this question of teenagers quite regularly and here is a small sample of the answers I’ve received over the years:

• Spending time with someone (I asked what happens when that relationship ends, they usually reply “find someone else”)
• Looking for a husband/wife
• Having fun
• I don’t know – you just like [someone] and hangout with them

So to ask “what is dating” is a rather ambiguous exercise because no one (even adults) really knows – they just do it. It’s pretty much certain, however, that you will see the following present in the majority of dating relationships:

• A title/declaration (my girlfriend/boyfriend/“just dating”/“playing the field”)
• Spend time together in special activities (movies, dinner, carnival, etc.)
• Friendship (often putting other friends second to the bf/gf of the moment)
• Best sides are put forward (typically masking/not disclosing those silly quarks – or real issues)
• Alone time (it’s not a real “date” unless the couple is alone somewhere)
• Emotional intimacy (the sharing of feelings, hopes, dreams, faith and more)
• Physical relationship (hand holding, hugging, kissing, making out, sexual intimacy)

To cut to the chase (since there could be much conversation here), it honestly seems like the only real factor that changes a male/female friendship from friends to “dating” is the physical relationship. Yes, emotional intimacy can be another difference, but it alone is not something exclusive to the dating relationship (friends can be emotionally intimate – often the reason for the “best friend” title). Besides that, when’s the last time you heard someone say “I’d love to share my hopes, feelings and dreams with you – would you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?” It’s more like friends one minute – start holding hands or kissing and “now we’re boyfriend and girlfriend” (or visa versa – change titles from friends to bf/gf, therefore, our new entitlement is physical intimacy).

To illustrate my previous point further (that is, there is no clear understanding of what dating is or parameters for practicing it), I hear the following statement a lot: “I do like him/her but I don’t want to go out with them because I’m afraid it would mess up our friendship.” Really? I thought that was kind of the whole point of marriage – to marry your best friend (so to speak) and grow closer together in that friendship. Besides that, *sarcasm alert* what could possibly happen in a dating relationship that would “mess up” your friendship? Ah, yes… physical intimacy. Once you cross certain lines (expressing love physically) it is kind of hard to go back to “just friends.” Therefore, the “friendship” is, indeed, often times ruined.

Dating can (and should) happen without physical intimacy. Yes, I know that seems archaic and out-dated considering how many of us as adults included it in our relationships and the fact that this type of thinking is almost laughable today. However, to those who are married I pose one question: do our present spouses feel more loved, valued and cherished because we tested others out (physically) first? Sure, we learn from our mistakes, but I have yet to meet a Godly couple that looks back and says “man, I’m glad we had so many partners (kissing or more) before we got married. It makes me feel so loved to know that I’m not the only one on your lips.” (If you’re like me right now, that last statement actually makes you slightly angry/upset/disturbed, whether it is at yourself or the thought of someone else having had the chance to cherish your spouse as you do now). This is why I wholeheartedly believe that we need to teach our CHILDREN (no matter their age) about the value of marriage as God designed it (not “following their heart”) and guide them to a Godly model of “dating.”

Godly dating (or “courting” as this model is often called) ought to set out with friendship as the goal and foundation, while removing physical intimacy until marriage. It puts the relationship in its proper place and encourages the couple to truly put the other one first. It practices from the beginning everything 1 Corinthians 13:4-9 (the “love chapter”) rejoices in:

• Patience
• Kindness (to the future spouse, future children, etc.)
• Proper practice (“does not act improperly”)
• Selflessness (much harder road than dating’s selfish “what’s in it for me, now?”)
• Rejecting that which could hurt, now or later (namely sin)
• Is excited by Godliness (“no joy in unrighteousness”)
• Living in Truth (versus secrecy or deceit)
• Fighting for real love (“bears, hopes, believes and endures all things” – real love is never easy)

No where does it say that practicing physical intimacy is necessary for this type of love to be experienced. Physical intimacy, instead, seals and expresses in a purely unique way our commitment to our spouse (hence the reason God said the “two become one flesh”). No one else is designed to enjoy such intimacy with our spouse. It is single-handedly the most amazing, unique relationship mankind can enjoy (even above the parent-child relationship because the only two people who can enjoy each other with such intimacy is the husband and wife).

Parents, as I mentioned before, this is not a new methodology. It’s a Biblical approach to a relational system (dating) that has gone way off path, become purely selfish (all about me) and lost its vision (there is very little mention of the future in dating anymore – it’s about the here and now). It places the emphasis back where it was originally designed to be - on marriage (not the here and now)! Yes, this seems like an impossible and unlikely task - like trying to out run a locomotive or leap a tall building in a single bound, without Superman's powers. No one said parenting biblically would be an easy task. But we join together, bathed in prayer, as we work to lead our children to amazing marriages and times of worship (now and later with their own families).

So how do we work AGAINST a system so firmly established in our culture (a confused pattern of dating is in all our movies, music, shows, books, schools, etc.)? We’ll cover that next week when I talk about “What to teach our children.”

Want to join the conversation? Have a question/comment? Click here to begin!! :-)


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How to Ruin a Marriage Together!

Typically when we hear about one falling it is because of a self-destructive pattern of choices. Left in the wake of those decisions is usually husbands or wives, children, family, close friends, church members, etc. These decisions are, more often than not, single-party ventures (one person making the decisions), but…

…what happens when a husband and wife fall (self-destruct) TOGETHER?

Instead of protecting one another, one or both persons in the marriage encourage the downward spiral by embracing destructive choices together. One such case happened recently. Music artist Amy Winehouse (“Rehab”, “Me and Mr. Jones”, etc.) and husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, have spent much time in the media lately due to their regular run-ins with the law over serious substance abuse issues. As this blog is being typed Blake is currently serving time in prison for some of those issues. Janis Winehouse (Amy’s mother) reportedly said her daughter was misled by her husband into a lifestyle of “drugs and self harm.” While I do understand the power of suggestion, it is important to remember that Amy made the choices, too – she is not a victim (in entirety)… after all, it does take two to tango. It is terrible what this couple is going through, but I am not here to dissect their marriage or lifestyle. Instead, what I am here to do is plead with husbands and wives to rethink what is embraced in your marriages. What decisions are being made jointly that have the potential of ruining your marriage?

Vices come in all shapes and forms: substance (alcohol, drugs, etc.), sex (utilizing what God gave to be between one man and one woman and open that relationship up in a number of unhealthy ways: open marriages, “swinging,” pornography or raunchy R-rated/unrated movies as a “spice it up” tool, etc.), finances (choosing to embrace a financially irresponsible lifestyle), integrity (being one couple in the dark and another in the light), etc. These are but a few ways husbands and wives endanger themselves and their marriages. I don’t believe Blake or Amy (or any other husband or wife that has struggled in similar fashion) ever woke up one morning and said “let’s be reckless and ruin our marriage together!” Instead they sought out recreation and leisure together and it has led them to places neither expected to go… and now their marriage is crumbling.

So what’s the point?

Husbands, we are called on by God to protect our wives. Not just when someone threatens her, but in everyday life. In the decisions we lay upon her to make on our marriage’s behalf. Are we asking her to test waters she ought not to test? Are we tempting her in ways in which she may not be able to recover? Are we asking her to try something she may later regret?

Wives, likewise care for your husbands. Seek to protect their eyes, hearts, minds/thoughts, reputations, etc. Are the desires that you have something that could ultimately hurt him, you or your marriage? Are your wishes going to help him grow as a husband or encourage him to walk a path he will later regret? Though the husband is the leader of the family, remember what a powerful role you have, too (afterall, it was Eve who tempted Adam in the Garden).

One last question: are the decisions you make together as husband and wife something you pray daily for your own children to experience in own their marriages? If not, maybe we have some questions to ask ourselves.

I encourage you husbands and wives to read the following passages together: Ephesians 5:22-33 and 1 Peter 3:1-7.

Until next time… may God richly bless your marriages!!!

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