How to Fix Jon and Kate (We Can Learn From Them)

The circus that is Jon and Kate (Plus 8) just keeps getting bigger. This fiasco is like Gremlins (classic movie from 1984 for those unaware) and everyone keeps disobeying the rules:

1. Don't feed the Mogwai after Midnight (we've got 24 hour a day coverage of them and drop everything the moment they wish to give an interview - I think even the president has bigger hoops to jump through to get air time than they do)

2. No Water (ok, this one's a stretch but I'm sure most can craft a witty water joke to accompany this rule, ala "no more beach excursions, Jon," "Just say 'no' to yachts and girls in bathing suits, Jon,' etc.)

3. No bright light (that's all that's in their faces - flash bulbs, camera lights, spotlights...)

I'm not here to be one of the millions to run their mouth to belittle, cripple, bash, humiliate and watch their family collapse even further. I am here to provide three steps for them (should they decide to stumble across this blog) to recover their family. These three steps will not only help save their marriage and family should they be willing, but can help yours as well...

1. STOP TELLING THE WORLD YOUR BUSINESS! Stop the interviews, stop justifying yourselves and stop letting us any further into your world! You owe us no explanation whatsoever. It is not the media's right, nor ours, to have full access to your life and at no point will the public's perception of your life ever be an asset to you finding healing.

2. STOP MANIPULATING. You both claim innocence and wish to be the victim when in reality you have both have cut, hurt, manipulated and crushed each other to oblivion! The only way you will ever have any semblance of hope is if you both stop trying to sway public opinion your way, take responsibility for your own part in your marriage's demise (to this point) and begin to forgive (healing will never take place in your lives or the lives of your children until there is forgiveness).

3. REGROUP! It is NEVER to late to turn around, right wrongs and rethink your game plan . This step is where you both, without name calling or finger pointing and admit you need help! Both of you claim to be believers, so seek the PRIVATE council of a trusted Pastor and ask him to help guide you through this process of renewal, healing, forgiveness, and hopefully restoration!

For the rest of the world who sit by and watch (often negatively and critically as if you would do better under such scrutiny), realize you are no different and your marriages are not immune to the struggles they face. Granted, they have some pretty unique circumstances, but at the heart of it they are still a man and woman, a husband and a wife, a couple with a story and people who hurt beyond words right now. The three steps I mention above apply to all couples - even the non-famous variety...

For us, the difference in our marriages is we do not seek to air our grievances on television - we do it in the company of our friends (with family members, guys with their guy friends, girls with their girl friends, and on many occasions husbands with other women and wives with other men). No, you do not air your laundry to the whole world, just your local world.

Just like Jon and Kate we are all manipulators. We all want it our way and when faced with extraordinary circumstances will do just about anything to get our way. So many times couples tell half truths or lies to coworkers, friends, family members and even strangers to make themselves look like the victim when the reality is both share responsibility in the collapse or falling apart of their marriage.

And just like Jon and Kate - it is never too late for couples who truly wish to find healing and even restoration to regroup and begin again. No foundation is so cracked or damaged that it is unrepairable. Start with a trusted pastor and see where God leads!

If you are a husband or a wife and your marriage is struggling or you are beginning to see stress fractures along the foundation of your marriage and you are not sure who to talk with, feel free to email me and I would love to talk with you through Email, by phone or however you would like. You can reach me at christianthechristian.c2@gmail.com.

EDITORIAL NOTE: I am aware that this seems a bit over-simplified and that not all marital problems are that easy to solve. However, that being said, most cannot truly begin to seek healing because they are too busy living in the past hurts of what was instead of what could be. Many couples punish themselves and do even greater damage when, instead, they could begin to take steps to: (1) worshiping God (even in the midst of the storm), (2) re-learning love and the true value of commitment and covenants, and (3) learning how to forgive and be free of hurt.

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"Til (In)Convenience Do Us Part"

"Divorce Expert" Jill Brooke recently wrote an article entitled "For Those Getting Married: Banish 'Til Death Do Us Part'". Citing a 50% divorce rate she claims that the idea of death as the only reason for divorce encourages laziness within marriage, thus leading to the crumbling of half of marriages.

I agree with Mrs. Brooke in her conclusion, but not her premise. I think her claim that marriages collapse because of the phrasing "til death do us part" in their wedding vows is absurd. I think it would have probably been more wise of her to cite couples' failure to uphold the previous portion of traditional vows ("in sickness, in health, for richer, for poorer...") since that is the conclusion she ultimately draws. It is not the death part of the vow that cripples marriages, but (as she correctly states) their failure to serve, pursue, court, romance and live for one another. Instead spouses put themselves at the center of their own universe and leave their beloved spouse behind as they pursue selfish pursuits.

FOR THOSE GETTING MARRIED: EMBRACE 'TIL DEATH DO US PART'

The solution to the divorce problem isn't banishing the pledge of commitment or rewording it. It is fulfilling it and fighting to ensure its success. Here are a few reasons why banishing the phrase is a bad idea (and a proverbial straw man):

1. The problem isn't the phrase - it's the failure to honor it.

2. Banishing the phrase is banishing Him who created marriage - God. Marriage is a covenant relationship between man and wife and God. Before God, man and wife covenant (unending promise) with God to become one flesh together and to live for one another as they both live for God. Biblically, the only thing that ends a covenant is death.

3. Removing the phrase does not promote accountability to the marriage relationship (as Mrs. Brooke states), it removes trust and confidence in the union. The new vow will be "I commit to you until you are no longer committed to me or our union is no longer convenient." If a couple wants to remain accountable to their vow then they ought to: (1) read together what the Author of marriage says about real love, marriage and commitment/covenant, (2) check-in with one another regularly and ask "how am I doing loving, serving, pursuing and ministering to you spiritually? Do I demonstrate to you and those around us that you are valuable to me?"

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As always, feel free to email Christian the Christian at christianthechristian.c2@gmail.com.

Pic borrowed from here.
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The Strength to Hope

Each day people are faced with some of the most unbelievable obstacles. Hurt, abuse, moral failure, the dissolution of a marriage, pain, the loss of a job, extreme sickness and death. How do you "deal" with those obstacles? It's not like they just go away.

On Wednesday's So You Think You Can Dance episode dancers Ade and Melissa performed a very powerful piece about a woman's struggle with Breast Cancer. In it you see a variety of emotions and reactions to this battle:

• The girl laying down as if she has nothing left (her friend lifts her up)
• The girl and friend in despair (hurting)
  
• The girl clinging to her friend for support, trusting in his strength (seen in her literally jumping into his arms on several occasions)
• Frustration, as she pounds on the chest of her friend
• Faithfulness, as the friend was and carries her through this

I don't usually get dance, but I get this!

Watch the performance...

'SYTYCD' Top 8: Melissa & Ade's Contemporary Performance @ Y! TV

In this piece, the strength the woman receives is from her friend. While it is true that our friends and family are some our greatest sources of support in unbelievable times (as God created them to be), I couldn't help but think about the "friend" in this routine as our God. Obviously this was not the intent of the choreographer (Tyce Diorio), but read the passage below and then watch the performance again and you'll see how I see it like that. FIRST: read this about Jesus Christ, who loves so perfectly...

Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:34-39)

It is true that we live in a broken (Fallen) world. For those who put their faith and life in the hands of Jesus Christ, there is hope in those unimaginable times that we could never forsee coming. Those moments of despair and feeling alone. Those moments when we say "I never thought this would be my life." There is hope! Even if the worst should happen (death), there is still hope in knowing we can live on forever in the presence of Him who made us just like Him. Jesus Christ came and died (and lives again!) that we might have hope, comfort and boldness in this life and the one to come!

Want to join the conversation? Click here to comment or ask a question.
Want to talk with me personally? Email me at christianthechristian.c2@gmail.com.

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Thou Shalt Have Steamy Sex?!?!

I don’t know when it happened, but somehow, someway sex has become a taboo topic in the church. Teens are scared to say “sex” and adults squirm in their pews when it’s said. Teens and adults alike will watch show after show and listen to song after song that talk about sex (many times laughing or singing along), but “talk about it in the church? That’s uncomfortable.”

Recently a Catholic Priest, Ksawery Knotz, published a new book entitled Sex As You Don't Know It: For Married Couples Who Love God. In it he writes that there is nothing wrong with a steamy sex life; even going so far as saying it is a “good thing.” Maybe it’s because he’s a Catholic Priest writing on the subject, or because of the extreme traditionalism of the Catholic church, but for some reason it was newsworthy enough for Fox News to publish a story on the book. Regardless of why it was covered in the news I am excited because it opens the channels of communication again for this great love story that God created!

God created sex. As I joke with couples in counseling: it was not man or woman’s idea. Adam and Eve weren’t sitting around the Garden of Eden bored saying “so now what do we do?” and then stumbled into sex. God created them differently (man and woman) a placed a desire for one another in each of them. As soon as Adam saw Eve he was hooked (cue the old joke: he saw her and said "Whoa! Man!" Thus she’ll be known as ‘woman’.”)! The sexual relationship was designed by God to be one of the defining parts of a marital relationship (one of the key elements that make it so different from any other relationship). Men and women were created with a desire for one another already built in them (so-to-speak). They then enjoy the fullest physical and emotional pleasure possible with one another inside the protected, safe and committed marriage relationship.

In a world that has no boundaries for sex – that embraces girls going wild, open marriages, pornography, sexual dating relationships, etc. God’s design for the sexual relationship in marriage has been forgotten, misunderstood and misrepresented. “Enjoyable sex” between and man and wife seems ungodly now (like God doesn’t want man and wife to enjoy sexual intimacy - not sure how that belief came to be) or as if it is an oxymoron. It has become nothing more than a comic’s punch line: either (1) you never have sex once you are married, or (2) it becomes stale and unexciting.

BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT GOD HAD IN MIND for husbands and wives!!

God created sex (between a husband and wife in a covenant marriage) to be exciting, captivating, fun, pleasurable, enjoyable, lovely, passionate, engaging, intimate, creative, moving, enthralling, enchanting and, yes, even steamy! 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 tells husbands and wives that they belong to one another. It tells them to be sure to fulfill one another (yes, sexually) and to make sure they do so REGULARLY! Not out of obligation, but out of passion and love and dedication to your beloved spouse who is equally committed to you.

SINGLES or COUPLES LIVING TOGETHER (UNMARRIED): I understand your fear of marriage. In a world that has completely lost what it means to be married, with a divorce rate that has climbed to 50% and with so many marriages that seem to struggle (including in the church) I can understand your fear from wanting to be “that couple.” However, know that you are not protecting yourselves or your relationship. You are missing out!! God has crafted us in such a way that we crave intimacy from our spouse; hence the reason husbands and wives become “one flesh” – they are so intimately wound together that neither knows where one starts and the other stops! When we live with someone outside of marriage we steal from God what He designed for us and our own good and turn it into something He never desired for us. We actually set ourselves up for hurt.

HUSBANDS AND WIVES WHO ARE STRUGGLING: Know that you are NOT alone. This world and its desire to corrupt what God made for good and pleasure has made it difficult for many couples. However, having a successful, loving and passionate marriage is not an impossible feat! For those struggling, I recommend a couple resources: (1) the movie “Fireproof” (watch it together and then go through the book “The Love Dare”), (2) the book “God on Sex” by Daniel Akin (this is a POWERFUL and wonderful book based on Song of Solomon from the Bible), (3) take a small weekend trip together with your spouse; use it as a trip to pour into one another and love one another as intimately and deeply as you know how to, (4) transparency! Sit with your pastor (or go to a local church and speak to one if you aren’t in church) and share with him your struggles as a husband and wife and seek help in restoring your marriage.

Want to join the conversation? Click here to comment or ask a question!

If you would like to talk with me personally about a struggling relationship, feel free to email me at christianthechristian.c2@gmail.com!

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How to Ruin a Marriage Together!

Typically when we hear about one falling it is because of a self-destructive pattern of choices. Left in the wake of those decisions is usually husbands or wives, children, family, close friends, church members, etc. These decisions are, more often than not, single-party ventures (one person making the decisions), but…

…what happens when a husband and wife fall (self-destruct) TOGETHER?

Instead of protecting one another, one or both persons in the marriage encourage the downward spiral by embracing destructive choices together. One such case happened recently. Music artist Amy Winehouse (“Rehab”, “Me and Mr. Jones”, etc.) and husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, have spent much time in the media lately due to their regular run-ins with the law over serious substance abuse issues. As this blog is being typed Blake is currently serving time in prison for some of those issues. Janis Winehouse (Amy’s mother) reportedly said her daughter was misled by her husband into a lifestyle of “drugs and self harm.” While I do understand the power of suggestion, it is important to remember that Amy made the choices, too – she is not a victim (in entirety)… after all, it does take two to tango. It is terrible what this couple is going through, but I am not here to dissect their marriage or lifestyle. Instead, what I am here to do is plead with husbands and wives to rethink what is embraced in your marriages. What decisions are being made jointly that have the potential of ruining your marriage?

Vices come in all shapes and forms: substance (alcohol, drugs, etc.), sex (utilizing what God gave to be between one man and one woman and open that relationship up in a number of unhealthy ways: open marriages, “swinging,” pornography or raunchy R-rated/unrated movies as a “spice it up” tool, etc.), finances (choosing to embrace a financially irresponsible lifestyle), integrity (being one couple in the dark and another in the light), etc. These are but a few ways husbands and wives endanger themselves and their marriages. I don’t believe Blake or Amy (or any other husband or wife that has struggled in similar fashion) ever woke up one morning and said “let’s be reckless and ruin our marriage together!” Instead they sought out recreation and leisure together and it has led them to places neither expected to go… and now their marriage is crumbling.

So what’s the point?

Husbands, we are called on by God to protect our wives. Not just when someone threatens her, but in everyday life. In the decisions we lay upon her to make on our marriage’s behalf. Are we asking her to test waters she ought not to test? Are we tempting her in ways in which she may not be able to recover? Are we asking her to try something she may later regret?

Wives, likewise care for your husbands. Seek to protect their eyes, hearts, minds/thoughts, reputations, etc. Are the desires that you have something that could ultimately hurt him, you or your marriage? Are your wishes going to help him grow as a husband or encourage him to walk a path he will later regret? Though the husband is the leader of the family, remember what a powerful role you have, too (afterall, it was Eve who tempted Adam in the Garden).

One last question: are the decisions you make together as husband and wife something you pray daily for your own children to experience in own their marriages? If not, maybe we have some questions to ask ourselves.

I encourage you husbands and wives to read the following passages together: Ephesians 5:22-33 and 1 Peter 3:1-7.

Until next time… may God richly bless your marriages!!!

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