True Love

Checkout this remarkable story of love, commitment, and loyalty. I pray my wife and I are able to enjoy this type of love story and endure even longer, together.

Click here to read this beautiful story.

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NEW! The Seven Year Marriage Warranty!!!

Watch this video first.

I can hear the infomercial now…

“Is waking up to the same person morning after morning not as exciting as you thought it’d be? Has your marriage lost that “spark” it had at the beginning? Has your spouse become complacent or lazy, leading you to fall out of love with them?

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Don’t worry about the messy divorce… give them seven years instead. After seven years if they haven’t figured it out, you can get out – no questions asked! That’s right!

IT'S THE SEVEN YEAR MARRIAGE WARRANTY!!!!

Now your marital woes can become a thing of the past with no hassles! It’s simple. On your wedding day just tell the Priest/Pastor you want the Seven Year Marriage Warranty and put your spouse on notice!

No messy divorces, no lawyer fees, no court fees, no settlements… just your complete and unconditional satisfaction - INSTANTLY!

Sound too good to be true? Well that’s not all! Order now and we’ll throw in the Eighteen Year Parent Warranty ABSOLUTELY FREE!

That’s right! This way you not only put your spouse on notice, but those lazy, argumentative, rebellious teenagers, too! Order now... churches and pastors are standing by!”

I’m sorry, but this has got to be one of the most selfish, self-centered arrangements I’ve ever heard of. It’s bad enough people can go half in as it is with pre-nups, but this is over the top!

To the female reporter (and others who agree with her) who thinks this arrangement actually makes sense because "something's got to be done" about the high number of divorces - giving people an out after seven years will only drop the statistical divorce count. It won't actually help marriages from dissolving! Marriages are not working because people are clueless about:

• What love is.
• What marriage is.
• How to make marriage work.
• How to enjoy marriage as He designed it.
• How to work through problems.
• How to fight for one another.
• How to demonstrate love to one another.
• How to actually be self-less in a marriage relationship.

Easier outs are NOT going to fix the marriage issue in any country. They just give people another mode of instant gratification that thinks only of themselves (especially not the kids).

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Bristol and Levi: A Little Too Late?

A few days ago, Bristol Palin’s boyfriend/fiancé (Levi Johnston) announced that he and Bristol were no longer together. While I despise gossip magazines that litter their pictures and false stories all over their covers, this story deserves a little attention.

When the teens announced that they were expecting a baby last August, it thrust them in front of the national spotlight because Bristol’s mom had just been announced as John McCain’s running mate in his presidential bid. So, I wrote a blog entry discussing the consequences of our decisions (you can read that here) and how they affect us in ways we never thought they would/could later (her words on her plans prior to finding out she was pregnant: “I never would have thought I would have been a mom and I would have never thought my mom would have been chosen for Vice President”).

Fast forward to February 16th – Bristol gives an interview with FOX News, stating that teens should wait “10 years” to have a child and that the ideal way to prevent teen pregnancy is abstinence; “BUT”, she continued, “it’s not realistic because [premarital sex] is so accepted among kids my age.” (See that video interview here) A note on this… of course it is unrealistic if your eyes and desires are only about you (and the people you use to judge your actions are your peers with their own self-seeking desires). Real love, however, takes REAL work… it’s hard! It requires you to put others (especially your partner) above yourself! Lust is easy… you see something, you like it, you take it… love requires commitment and integrity!

Then, fast forward to today – the new mommy and daddy are now no longer together. A few short months ago they were planning a wedding/future together. Now, they are “off.” Why? According to Levi, it’s because they (or he is) are not “mature” enough for marriage. (?!?!?)

This is probably the most mature decision the couple has made so far. Unfortunately, the timing of it now makes it an immature reaction. The time to decide if one is mature enough for a committed relationship is prior to taking/giving away each other's purity (minds, hearts, bodies, etc.), not after – and DEFINITELY not after you bring a child into the world. Their decision now is not about them, but about their child.

I’m not here, necessarily, to criticize Levi or Bristol – I have no idea what’s going on in their lives, nor is it my business. There may be legitimate reasons for them not to be married or be together, but my point is that those decisions need to come earlier (see my "purity blog entry here: “Abstinence is Wrong”).

TEENS: In her interview, Bristol says she hopes other teens learn from her story. I agree – I hope you do. More than just pregnancy, though (because avoiding teen pregnancy is not the key here; what about your own purity? Your husband’s/wife’s feelings? Your children’s?), I pray you see how quickly “love” and situations can change (and yes it can happen to you, for those that think it won’t because you/your significant other are different). I pray you select carefully those you share your heart with and seek fulfillment in a Godly, committed relationship that desires to worship God and enjoy true love.

PARENTS: See my blog entry on purity for how to teach/navigate your children/teens through these natural feelings. Click here to read it.

BRISTOL AND LEVI… I appreciate the love you both seem to have for your son and your desires to put him first. I know this season of your life is rough, but know that God’s grace, mercy and True Love are bigger and can prevail if you allow them to. I am praying for you two and your son.

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Abstinence is Wrong

When you encourage your teen to “abstain,” what is it, exactly, that you want them to abstain from? Yes, we should be advocates of sex after marriage for our children, but what about all the “stuff” that leads up to the sex? What about the intimate/lustful thoughts? The kissing? The making out? The touching? The caressing? The passion? The selling-out of the heart (allowing feelings to develop and grow for a person)?

Abstinence is wrong for three reasons: (1) it's all about limiting... God is not about limiting, but abundance (sex is a God-given intimacy that should be ENJOYED... in the right relationship, at the right time, with the right person)! (2) It has more of a push to save the world from STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Both are good causes, but what about the rewards of loving your future spouse more than yourself? What about loving God and displaying that love with a Godly lifestyle? (3) It falls seriously short of confronting the real issue - the heart. It's not just a sex thing, but a heart thing. Who is ultimately being loved?

To a large degree, the pursuit of true love that champions patience, truth, right/Godly living, protection (as in protecting the other person in the relationship’s thoughts, hopes, bodies, etc.), etc. has been lost. To say it another way – the pursuit of purity has been lost because, relationally speaking, it is not God whom people try to please or worship in their relationships, but instead it is either their significant other or themselves.

As parents we know these struggles our teens face and it would be wise of us to empathize with them and let them know that what they think about and struggle with is common!! Sexual relationships are God-given and desiring to be part of one is NOT sinful… however, what happens from there is where the temptation and dangers lie. Checkout 1 Corinthians 10:12-13… it’s a great reminder to us that temptation is common and an encouragement to us that since it is common we are not alone (we aren’t the first to face it, and won’t be the last).

So how can we guide our kids/teens? What are some things we can do/say to lead them toward purity (loving God with all our heart, mind and soul – in other words, with the way we live our lives)?

#1... It is never too early to teach purity.

The key to teaching about purity is not about teaching rules or limits. Purity is about us seeking to worship God with every facet of our life (1 Cor. 10:31 – from the same chapter as the temptation passage above). It’s all about learning to love God more than anything else and seeing His world as He created it, especially marriage. It’s funny that the same culture that keeps selling the myth of self pleasure (find what makes you happy and go after it) is the same one where marriages are crumbling and true love seems to be an unobtainable dream. Rabbit Trail: Of course that culture has also influenced the church and now the divorce rate in the church is almost even with that of those outside of it. Why? Instead of seeking purity, people seek Burger King theology: “My way, right away” and lose sight of what God has in store for us in marriage… I digress.

Purity is something we ought to model and encourage our children from day one. SHOW THEM what it looks like to love God with every aspect of your life. DEMONSTRATE humility when you fall short and mess up by seeking forgiveness (how else will they come to know and understand unconditional love and forgiveness?). Get them excited about marriage by making your spouse the #2 priority in your life, with God being #1. Pray for them and their future spouse!

#2... Purity starts in our thoughts. What are our teens thinking about? What do they think about love, dating, physical touch, etc.?

YES – it is very awkward talking about oral sex, “feeling” under clothing, “French kissing,” lustful thoughts of the opposite sex and sexual intercourse (to name a few). BUT IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS! Our teens are hearing about these things, seeing it (it’s on the internet, in music videos, video games, movies and on public TV – the new 90210 on CW showed a suggested scene of oral sex in its series premiere), wondering about it and thinking about it a lot! Who is going to be their teacher? Who is going to teach them a good, solid, Biblical worldview on these matters? The parents – it is our calling and obligation… period.

As awkward as it is – start by bringing it up. Offer your teen an open forum! Tell them they can talk to you any time about any of those topics without consequence. If you haven’t heard from them about it after a while, bring it up again and check in on them.

There are two key ways to help teach them (and us as parents, for that matter) protect their thoughts: (1) Be cautious about what we let in (whether heard, seen, etc.), (2) teach about real love, real intimacy, Godly marriage, the privilege of loving someone more than themselves, etc. Again, we’re not trying to put restrictions on our teens (though there are times that is necessary since many times they aren’t capable of making the right choices because their minds are still developing), but to help them see down the road – about a life and marriage committed to God and one another.

#3... When it comes to touching – what do your teens think is “the limit” (how far is too far)? What do you think is “the limit”?

Based on 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (READ THIS PASSAGE!) and what I’ve personally enjoyed in marriage I am an advocate for no touching until marriage. This is a VERY prudish statement today, I know. Even Christians are probably asking out loud as they read this “NO TOUCHING?!?!?” or screaming “that’s not realistic!” I am aware it may seem out-of-touch (however, my question to that is “out of touch with who? God? The world where the divorce rate is climbing and people are opting out of getting married all together?”) and is far easier said than done. I’m tired of seeing marriages crumbling and I think it’s time we face the fact that going after what we want with little to no patience (or worship for that matter) isn’t getting us what we (or God) want in the long run. Most people desire an intimate relationship that lasts, but how can that happen when at its inception the relationship is founded on selfishness (fulfilling my desires now versus in a committed, loving marriage as God designed)?

“What’s wrong with innocent stuff, like kissing?” Nothing – God designed it. Three points, though: (1) What's "innocent" and according to what/who do you define innocent? Innocent is a relative term - it changes as our desires allow it to. (2) If a husband kisses a woman who is not his wife – most would agree there is a problem with it (the Bible calls it adultery). Teens may not have a spouse at the moment, but they will (most likely) one day. Instead of thinking about loving themselves by fulfilling their desires right now, why not teach them to love their spouse by respecting their own bodies (after all, after they’re married, that body belongs to their spouse)? (3) Why kiss? To show affection? Why not teach teens how to love and show affection without kissing? That helps protect them now, makes kissing that much more intimate with their spouse later and teaches them how to be affectionate in other ways other than just sex after they’re married.

To be transparent… Because most parents (if not all) did not meet this standard when they were dating (myself included), they feel as if it’s unfair to impose it on our kids. This could not be further from the truth!!! Our goal as parents is not to restrict our kids from fun – we are trying to enhance it! We are trying to help them enjoy the full benefits of a sexual relationship in the right relationship – marriage. To enjoy all that it has to offer while enjoying the benefit of a spouse that has pledged their commitment, loyalty and protection to them. We should not set the bar lower because we didn’t meet it. We use our story and shortcomings and the example of our present marriages now to encourage our kids to put their future spouses above their desires now.

#4... When it comes to influences, I think it’s important that parents take a proactive approach in their teens lives.

Ask them: “who are some of your favorite music artists?” “What are some of your favorite movies?” “What sort of things do you look for in friends?” Then ask follow up questions, like “Why?” I talked to a very “clean cut” girl the other day that is raised in church and has a SOLID family life. I asked her – “who is your favorite music artist?” and she replied “Soulja Boy” (whose music is filthy, degrading to women, morally bankrupt, etc.). Knowing her parents, I think they’d be beside themselves if they actually read some of his lyrics and knew what he was saying.

To be clear - I’m not about censorship, but I do think there is a time when parents NEED to be a censor. There is also a time for teaching and hearing out a teen, and using that conversation as a way of explaining why certain lyrics, philosophies, worldviews, etc. are wrong and what Truth really is and why they should embrace that over a selfish, narrow-minded worldview.

This concludes the Dating/Love/Relationships series… I hope you enjoyed it. I know a lot of what was said in it is often debated (after all, it’s not a new conversation). Even if you disagree with me on some or all points, I pray that at a minimum it at least challenged you and got you thinking. I know it has me… my wife and I talk almost on a daily basis about teaching this stuff to our own children. We don’t always agree, but we both go to bed together in prayer asking God for wisdom and praying for our children, that at the heart of all of this they will desire to love God more than anything else.

Beginning Monday I am going to try to start posting daily (mornings are my goal) about popular topics in culture, news, etc. Also, because of the frequency of the posts I will begin making them shorter, too. Stop by daily as a part of your news fix!

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What To Teach Our Children/Teens (About Dating)

Ok, to start with – I know we’ve all “fallen short.” It is highly unlikely that anyone reading this (to include myself who is writing it) has practiced this out to its fullest. This could be for a variety of reasons (not knowing, poor decisions, etc.), but this should NOT keep us from teaching our children (and leading them by the way we conduct ourselves in our marriages/single life now) a Biblical model/approach to “dating.”

I was recently talking with a young man (under 15) about girls. After joking around a bit about dating and such he revealed he “liked” a certain girl. So I asked him what the plan was and he said “I don’t know – I’m not sure what to do.” I asked if he wanted to be her boyfriend and he said “I guess.” So I asked what would be different about their relationship if they were boyfriend and girlfriend or just friends. He said, very honestly, “I don’t know – I don’t know what it means to be a boyfriend.”

Here is a young teenager willing to admit what most teens/single adults aren’t – that there really is no clear understanding of what it means to “date.” Basically teens reach an age where girls/guys are no longer “gross” but captivating and when that happens they think the next logical step is to start exploring those feelings by dating.

What is dating?
What do you do on a date?
What makes dating different from friendship?
What does a girlfriend/boyfriend do? What is their job?
What do I do with all these natural feelings of captivation for someone of the opposite sex?

I could easily stretch this list further, but you get the point. So how can we better equip our teens (or our children before they reach this stage) for this phase of life? There are some key lessons that we ought to be instilling in our children (before they get to this phase) and our teens as we help navigate them through this phase:

1. Teach WORSHIP. Every aspect of their life is an act of worship. Teach them to ask “is what I am doing/about to do a true demonstration of my love and commitment to my first love, my God?” Teach them to want to honor God (Deuteronomy 6:4-5), honor you (the parents, Exodus 20:12), respect/love their future spouse (1 Cor. 7:2-5, Eph. 5:33), and to want to make God’s Name great by the life they live day-in-and-day-out (1 Cor. 10:31).

2. Teach God’s plan: marriage! Today dating functions completely independent of real love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8): Godliness/righteousness, commitment/loyalty, integrity, patience, selflessness, etc. “We can sleep together, experience the most intimate parts of each other, move in together, get a dog together, maybe have a kid together… but no marriage because that is too serious and I’m not ready for that.” God’s plan from the very beginning was for us to move toward marriage – we are relational people by design; however, we are to experience those benefits of relationships in the right relationship, at the right time, in the right place. As parents this ought to be the deepest desire of our hearts for our kids – even above worldly/temporal success. Money fades, accolades fade, degrees only mean something while we’re alive… marriage is the beginning of an amazing, Godly journey. When/if children become part of the picture it becomes a generational, Godly journey – to raise GENERATIONS of worshippers! Teach Godliness and righteous living above even worldly success.

3. Teach SEX! There, I said it… SEX!!!!! What in the world has happened that the most amazing and intimate act possible between two people (created by God) has become taboo to say in the church?!?!? There is nothing wrong with sex – at all! Tell your teens that! They’re so scared of the word that they won’t even say it in church and when it is talked about they giggle uncomfortably! They’ll watch it all day on MTV and in movies, sing about it crudely in their songs (I’ll spare you lyrical examples), but talk about it in the way it was intended to be and it’s taboo! Tell them about ALL of the sexual connections – kissing, hand-holding, touch, sensuality and tell them how amazing it is… IN THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP, with a spouse who is committed to you and are moving in the same direction relationally (toward God). We’ll talk about this more next week in the “Purity Myth.”

4. Teach friendship. John and Abigail Adams (the 2nd president of the U.S.) had one of America’s greatest love stories. Often separated because of John’s political career and lack of speedy transportation, the two wrote to each other often (over 1,100 times!). In his letters to his wife John would often address his wife as “My Dearest Friend.” What an intimate, sensual and romantic term of endearment! Today teens define whether they are “dating” someone based on whether or not they touch – hold hands, hug more than others, kiss, make out, etc. Sure, they are friends with their bf’s/gf’s (boyfriends or girlfriends), but what makes them a true “couple” is their ability to do stuff they don’t do with their other friends. Lost is the idea of how to be true friends. Lost is the idea of how to enjoy each others company without taking it to a physical level. If dating is learning the other person to determine if both partners desire to commit to one another and grow together, then why is any physical contact necessary? That is something they can experience and learn together as husband and wife.

5. Teach boundaries. We’ll talk about this more next week.

6. Teach how to date. Discuss with your spouse when you think a solid age range is for dating to be acceptable. At a minimum people cannot be married until 18, so it makes no sense for a 15 year old to become consumed in a dating relationship. All that does is put them in a position for greater temptation. When a “dating” relationship does begin (that is, both the boy and girl decide they are both mutually attracted to one another and want to explore that relationship further) put some parameters in place (most of these ought to be in place anyway when it comes to a guy/girl “hanging out” together):

• Set the standard (teens ought never engage a dating relationship with someone who is not equally committed to God - this is dangerous ground)
  
• Always be in light and public (darkness and privacy allow the possibility of temptation to act inappropriately on God-given/natural feelings)
• Date with crowds (go places with friends/groups)
• Set out from the beginning to protect his/her future spouse and their present walk with God
• Pray for one another
• Involve parents and Godly friends (hiding parts of their relationship makes is dangerous)
• Keep friendship the focus

7. Set a dating plan. Together (both parents and the teen) set up a plan for dating (maybe after reading the book suggested below): define dating, things that are ok in a relationship, how a date ought to treat/respect them, how to worship in the midst of dating, accountability, boundaries, etc. This way the teen has some ownership in the plan and can share their feelings about the plan versus feeling like their parents don’t understand. It also opens the channels of communication with your teen from the beginning and lets them know you care, are praying for their future marriage/mate, and are available to listen any time.

There is much more that can/should be taught, but time and space is short. So as an exercise I encourage you to read the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (by Joshua Harris) with your teen. Take it at a comfortable pace and set time aside to talk about it (maybe after every chapter or two). Go out for coffee or ice cream or something and talk about this regularly!




Pray for my wife and I as we begin now with our 8, 6 and 2 year olds (at least teaching and demonstrating marriage, daily worship, etc.)… and I promise you’ve already got our prayers! We petition and plead on behalf of you and your children regularly! Next week… “The Purity Myth”

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Coming to Grips with My Reality TV Fascination

I think the time has come for me to admit it... I am a fan of reality TV. I've tried to deny it for some time, but as my wife and I were surveying our favorite TV shows I realized the majority of them were reality shows, for different reasons (we don't watch much TV, but much of what we watch, it turns out, have been/are reality shows). Kid Nation, though no longer on (great material for talking about matters of Faith with my children), Survivor (my all-time favorite! It always amazes me how far people will go, and how much they will sacrifice for the right price and better yet, to see those who refuse to compromise), American Idol (though this does occasionally wear on my nerves, I enjoy the back stories and those who use the platform for eternal purposes- such as Mandisa), Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares (I love watching family-run restaurants who are falling apart pull it together as a business, and especially a family), Beauty and the Geek (not last season's, but the ones before where "beauties" were challenged to look and dive deeper than superficial looks - didn't care much for the Geek makeover part, though it was entertaining to see), and some others on occasion (if time allows - I don't necessarily set the DVR for them).

Why I like reality TV.

I know "reality" is not reality; however, there is something to be said for taking real people as they are and putting them in pressure situations and seeing what they're made of. That is why I love Survivor so much - real people forced to be in close proximity with other real people in less than ideal situations to "outwit, outlast and outplay" the others for $1 million. What are they willing to do/not do for the LARGE sum of money? Will they lie? Steal? Cheat? Hurt someone? Deceive? Something I tell people all the time - trials reveal much about one's true faith. Scripture says it like this: "Out of the abundance of our hearts, our mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45). In other words - whatever we've filled our hearts with will come out (either trickling or gushing)... if it's selfishness, ungodliness, hate, contentious thoughts, etc. - then that's the abundance that will come pouring out (trials put our real-selves out there to be seen). If it's patience, kindness, gentleness, etc. (fruits of the spirit, Galatians 5) - then that's the abundance that will be seen and demonstrated in rough times and good times. I love to root for those who refuse to compromise their integrity, dignity, faith (though most people of faith on TV are not genuine, and often misrepresent Christ, and the church, entirely), even if it costs them the competition, the prize or whatever.

Some shining moments of Reality TV for me:

• American Idol. A girl ("Bikini Girl") shows up to her audition for AI two episodes ago in a TINY bikini (producers made sure to show her from all angles - cheap!). Usually when someone shows up in a gimmicky outfit it means they can't sing and just want to exploit themselves for 2 seconds of fame (being on the rejects video). This girl, however, sang fairly well and made it to the next round (WHY the bikini and cheap sell-out?!?!). My favorite moment for her audition came when the new judge called her out for exploiting herself (noting that the male judges won't remember/recognize her with clothes on) by asking her name "because to them all you are is 'Top' and 'Bottom'". Score one for modesty!

• So You Think You Can Dance. A youth pastor (if memory serves me correctly) auditions and performs a dance that tells a story from the Old Testament (I forget which one). As soon as the judges find out it's Bible-based the hating began and he represented well! He never backed down, he didn't become disrespectful, he defended his choice to have his female backup dancers clothed and told them he refused to give up his faith for a competition. Score one for true Christianity on TV!

• American Idol. A 27-year-old man lives at home with mom to take care of her due to her medical condition. No dating. No partying. No personal life. Is it a sacrifice? You better believe it. Does it consume his life? It IS his life - all he does is care for her. But he's a Biblical picture of what it means to care for "widows and orphans" (a challenge given to the family). I do not think he's a Christian, but it wouldn't be the first time a nonbeliever was used by God to "confound the wise." (Note: I'm not saying this is the case, but it certainly is a beautiful demonstration of real love.) Score one for real love and family!

• Survivor. Any time a contestant remains true from beginning to end, refusing to compromise who they really are (I'm not talking about the "this is who I am - I don't change for no one" arrogance, but true integrity). Score one for true integrity!

Shows That Grate My Nerves:

Any bachelor/dating/love/marriage show. It amazes me the lengths people go to to win the affection of some stranger and how poorly love is represented on the shows. Just pull some people out of their real lives (away from their family and friends who they will eventually return to) and give them alcohol, a hot tub, absurd getaways with a stranger, opportunities for sick make-out sessions and you have a romance reality show. *CUE my audible "BLAH" and cup of water because I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.* This is a blog post of its own, so I'll depart from this one for now (TEENS in my youth group - we will be going through this a little more in depth in the next couple weeks in a new series called "The Love Myth"; PARENTS - teach and demonstrate to your teens/kids what real love looks like).

Note for Parents:

Reality TV is a great tool for teaching Biblical values. As kids watch people make decisions and reap the benefits/consequences of those choices it provides a fascinating conversation starter (and a great way for you to check your own Biblical worldview). Often times we find ourselves rooting for who the producers of the show brainwash us to root for (the one doing the deceiving, playing the game - as if real life should not be a factor, the relationship that has only superficial foundations versus one that is based in a Biblical definition of love, etc.). I love watching appropriate Reality shows with my kids and talking about the Bible as it applies in real life! NOTE: This only applies to shows with any redemptive qualities to them. Many of the love shows do not have this and could be more harmful than helpful for young, impressionable minds. Also - don't forget about the more impressive lessons that can be learned by kids/teens by you TURNING OFF the TV and spending quality time with them!

That's all for now... blessings!!!!

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