What To Teach Our Children/Teens (About Dating)

Ok, to start with – I know we’ve all “fallen short.” It is highly unlikely that anyone reading this (to include myself who is writing it) has practiced this out to its fullest. This could be for a variety of reasons (not knowing, poor decisions, etc.), but this should NOT keep us from teaching our children (and leading them by the way we conduct ourselves in our marriages/single life now) a Biblical model/approach to “dating.”

I was recently talking with a young man (under 15) about girls. After joking around a bit about dating and such he revealed he “liked” a certain girl. So I asked him what the plan was and he said “I don’t know – I’m not sure what to do.” I asked if he wanted to be her boyfriend and he said “I guess.” So I asked what would be different about their relationship if they were boyfriend and girlfriend or just friends. He said, very honestly, “I don’t know – I don’t know what it means to be a boyfriend.”

Here is a young teenager willing to admit what most teens/single adults aren’t – that there really is no clear understanding of what it means to “date.” Basically teens reach an age where girls/guys are no longer “gross” but captivating and when that happens they think the next logical step is to start exploring those feelings by dating.

What is dating?
What do you do on a date?
What makes dating different from friendship?
What does a girlfriend/boyfriend do? What is their job?
What do I do with all these natural feelings of captivation for someone of the opposite sex?

I could easily stretch this list further, but you get the point. So how can we better equip our teens (or our children before they reach this stage) for this phase of life? There are some key lessons that we ought to be instilling in our children (before they get to this phase) and our teens as we help navigate them through this phase:

1. Teach WORSHIP. Every aspect of their life is an act of worship. Teach them to ask “is what I am doing/about to do a true demonstration of my love and commitment to my first love, my God?” Teach them to want to honor God (Deuteronomy 6:4-5), honor you (the parents, Exodus 20:12), respect/love their future spouse (1 Cor. 7:2-5, Eph. 5:33), and to want to make God’s Name great by the life they live day-in-and-day-out (1 Cor. 10:31).

2. Teach God’s plan: marriage! Today dating functions completely independent of real love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8): Godliness/righteousness, commitment/loyalty, integrity, patience, selflessness, etc. “We can sleep together, experience the most intimate parts of each other, move in together, get a dog together, maybe have a kid together… but no marriage because that is too serious and I’m not ready for that.” God’s plan from the very beginning was for us to move toward marriage – we are relational people by design; however, we are to experience those benefits of relationships in the right relationship, at the right time, in the right place. As parents this ought to be the deepest desire of our hearts for our kids – even above worldly/temporal success. Money fades, accolades fade, degrees only mean something while we’re alive… marriage is the beginning of an amazing, Godly journey. When/if children become part of the picture it becomes a generational, Godly journey – to raise GENERATIONS of worshippers! Teach Godliness and righteous living above even worldly success.

3. Teach SEX! There, I said it… SEX!!!!! What in the world has happened that the most amazing and intimate act possible between two people (created by God) has become taboo to say in the church?!?!? There is nothing wrong with sex – at all! Tell your teens that! They’re so scared of the word that they won’t even say it in church and when it is talked about they giggle uncomfortably! They’ll watch it all day on MTV and in movies, sing about it crudely in their songs (I’ll spare you lyrical examples), but talk about it in the way it was intended to be and it’s taboo! Tell them about ALL of the sexual connections – kissing, hand-holding, touch, sensuality and tell them how amazing it is… IN THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP, with a spouse who is committed to you and are moving in the same direction relationally (toward God). We’ll talk about this more next week in the “Purity Myth.”

4. Teach friendship. John and Abigail Adams (the 2nd president of the U.S.) had one of America’s greatest love stories. Often separated because of John’s political career and lack of speedy transportation, the two wrote to each other often (over 1,100 times!). In his letters to his wife John would often address his wife as “My Dearest Friend.” What an intimate, sensual and romantic term of endearment! Today teens define whether they are “dating” someone based on whether or not they touch – hold hands, hug more than others, kiss, make out, etc. Sure, they are friends with their bf’s/gf’s (boyfriends or girlfriends), but what makes them a true “couple” is their ability to do stuff they don’t do with their other friends. Lost is the idea of how to be true friends. Lost is the idea of how to enjoy each others company without taking it to a physical level. If dating is learning the other person to determine if both partners desire to commit to one another and grow together, then why is any physical contact necessary? That is something they can experience and learn together as husband and wife.

5. Teach boundaries. We’ll talk about this more next week.

6. Teach how to date. Discuss with your spouse when you think a solid age range is for dating to be acceptable. At a minimum people cannot be married until 18, so it makes no sense for a 15 year old to become consumed in a dating relationship. All that does is put them in a position for greater temptation. When a “dating” relationship does begin (that is, both the boy and girl decide they are both mutually attracted to one another and want to explore that relationship further) put some parameters in place (most of these ought to be in place anyway when it comes to a guy/girl “hanging out” together):

• Set the standard (teens ought never engage a dating relationship with someone who is not equally committed to God - this is dangerous ground)
  
• Always be in light and public (darkness and privacy allow the possibility of temptation to act inappropriately on God-given/natural feelings)
• Date with crowds (go places with friends/groups)
• Set out from the beginning to protect his/her future spouse and their present walk with God
• Pray for one another
• Involve parents and Godly friends (hiding parts of their relationship makes is dangerous)
• Keep friendship the focus

7. Set a dating plan. Together (both parents and the teen) set up a plan for dating (maybe after reading the book suggested below): define dating, things that are ok in a relationship, how a date ought to treat/respect them, how to worship in the midst of dating, accountability, boundaries, etc. This way the teen has some ownership in the plan and can share their feelings about the plan versus feeling like their parents don’t understand. It also opens the channels of communication with your teen from the beginning and lets them know you care, are praying for their future marriage/mate, and are available to listen any time.

There is much more that can/should be taught, but time and space is short. So as an exercise I encourage you to read the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (by Joshua Harris) with your teen. Take it at a comfortable pace and set time aside to talk about it (maybe after every chapter or two). Go out for coffee or ice cream or something and talk about this regularly!




Pray for my wife and I as we begin now with our 8, 6 and 2 year olds (at least teaching and demonstrating marriage, daily worship, etc.)… and I promise you’ve already got our prayers! We petition and plead on behalf of you and your children regularly! Next week… “The Purity Myth”

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