My Hero Doesn't Wear Tights

(This blog is not written by Christian, but Laura, his wife.  I wanted to write on the blog about my husband, and he does not know I am doing this - so if you see it now, and it's gone later, you'll know why.)

The word "superhero" brings many images to mind - the man flying through the air with a cape and tights, saving a herione (or the world) in distress.  Our hearts race as we watch this person with superhuman strength save the heroine (or the world) in the nick of time and we all say a collective "Whew" as the credits roll.

My superhero doesn't wear tights.  My superhero does save the "herione" (in this case, me) by being a man of God.  He has devoted himself to learning about the Bible, and not only reading about it but living it daily.  He makes his daily decisions based on  God and His word.  His actions are Godly, as well as his conversations and thoughts.  He has "saved" me by putting God first in his life with me and the children.  I don't have to worry about what kind of man he is - I know that his actions match his thoughts - he is who he says he is.  He treats our children with love and respect - bringing them up to be worshippers of the Lord Jesus Christ.  With every word, every consequence he gives, he is preparing them to be followers of Christ.  He also leads others in the path of God - giving them Godly advice and praying for them daily.

My superhero is someone I look up to and hope to be like one day.  He has encouraged me when I'm down, he has inspired me to be a better woman, mother and Christian.  He also spoils me rotten - by making sure that everyone knows that he loves his wife more than anyone else on this world.  He always asks the kids, "Who's my number one girl?" The kids answer, "mommy!" 

I can go on and on and on about what a wonderful guy he is and things he does for his family - like cook for us, bring me coffees at work, work at home for eight years so that we don't have to put our kids in daycare.  He puts himself to the side time and time again for the sake of his family.

I am writing this blog, not only to brag on my husband, but to encourage others to consider the importance of having a Godly influence in the home.  A true leader in the home and follower of Christ can make a difference on those around them.  They can be the true superheroes - those willing to dedicate everything they have to Christ and encourage others along with them.  The true superheroes know that we need to be "saved" from ourselves and what this world has to offer, and focus on the Jesus and what is above.

Laura (the wife)

What To Teach Our Children/Teens (About Dating)

Ok, to start with – I know we’ve all “fallen short.” It is highly unlikely that anyone reading this (to include myself who is writing it) has practiced this out to its fullest. This could be for a variety of reasons (not knowing, poor decisions, etc.), but this should NOT keep us from teaching our children (and leading them by the way we conduct ourselves in our marriages/single life now) a Biblical model/approach to “dating.”

I was recently talking with a young man (under 15) about girls. After joking around a bit about dating and such he revealed he “liked” a certain girl. So I asked him what the plan was and he said “I don’t know – I’m not sure what to do.” I asked if he wanted to be her boyfriend and he said “I guess.” So I asked what would be different about their relationship if they were boyfriend and girlfriend or just friends. He said, very honestly, “I don’t know – I don’t know what it means to be a boyfriend.”

Here is a young teenager willing to admit what most teens/single adults aren’t – that there really is no clear understanding of what it means to “date.” Basically teens reach an age where girls/guys are no longer “gross” but captivating and when that happens they think the next logical step is to start exploring those feelings by dating.

What is dating?
What do you do on a date?
What makes dating different from friendship?
What does a girlfriend/boyfriend do? What is their job?
What do I do with all these natural feelings of captivation for someone of the opposite sex?

I could easily stretch this list further, but you get the point. So how can we better equip our teens (or our children before they reach this stage) for this phase of life? There are some key lessons that we ought to be instilling in our children (before they get to this phase) and our teens as we help navigate them through this phase:

1. Teach WORSHIP. Every aspect of their life is an act of worship. Teach them to ask “is what I am doing/about to do a true demonstration of my love and commitment to my first love, my God?” Teach them to want to honor God (Deuteronomy 6:4-5), honor you (the parents, Exodus 20:12), respect/love their future spouse (1 Cor. 7:2-5, Eph. 5:33), and to want to make God’s Name great by the life they live day-in-and-day-out (1 Cor. 10:31).

2. Teach God’s plan: marriage! Today dating functions completely independent of real love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8): Godliness/righteousness, commitment/loyalty, integrity, patience, selflessness, etc. “We can sleep together, experience the most intimate parts of each other, move in together, get a dog together, maybe have a kid together… but no marriage because that is too serious and I’m not ready for that.” God’s plan from the very beginning was for us to move toward marriage – we are relational people by design; however, we are to experience those benefits of relationships in the right relationship, at the right time, in the right place. As parents this ought to be the deepest desire of our hearts for our kids – even above worldly/temporal success. Money fades, accolades fade, degrees only mean something while we’re alive… marriage is the beginning of an amazing, Godly journey. When/if children become part of the picture it becomes a generational, Godly journey – to raise GENERATIONS of worshippers! Teach Godliness and righteous living above even worldly success.

3. Teach SEX! There, I said it… SEX!!!!! What in the world has happened that the most amazing and intimate act possible between two people (created by God) has become taboo to say in the church?!?!? There is nothing wrong with sex – at all! Tell your teens that! They’re so scared of the word that they won’t even say it in church and when it is talked about they giggle uncomfortably! They’ll watch it all day on MTV and in movies, sing about it crudely in their songs (I’ll spare you lyrical examples), but talk about it in the way it was intended to be and it’s taboo! Tell them about ALL of the sexual connections – kissing, hand-holding, touch, sensuality and tell them how amazing it is… IN THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP, with a spouse who is committed to you and are moving in the same direction relationally (toward God). We’ll talk about this more next week in the “Purity Myth.”

4. Teach friendship. John and Abigail Adams (the 2nd president of the U.S.) had one of America’s greatest love stories. Often separated because of John’s political career and lack of speedy transportation, the two wrote to each other often (over 1,100 times!). In his letters to his wife John would often address his wife as “My Dearest Friend.” What an intimate, sensual and romantic term of endearment! Today teens define whether they are “dating” someone based on whether or not they touch – hold hands, hug more than others, kiss, make out, etc. Sure, they are friends with their bf’s/gf’s (boyfriends or girlfriends), but what makes them a true “couple” is their ability to do stuff they don’t do with their other friends. Lost is the idea of how to be true friends. Lost is the idea of how to enjoy each others company without taking it to a physical level. If dating is learning the other person to determine if both partners desire to commit to one another and grow together, then why is any physical contact necessary? That is something they can experience and learn together as husband and wife.

5. Teach boundaries. We’ll talk about this more next week.

6. Teach how to date. Discuss with your spouse when you think a solid age range is for dating to be acceptable. At a minimum people cannot be married until 18, so it makes no sense for a 15 year old to become consumed in a dating relationship. All that does is put them in a position for greater temptation. When a “dating” relationship does begin (that is, both the boy and girl decide they are both mutually attracted to one another and want to explore that relationship further) put some parameters in place (most of these ought to be in place anyway when it comes to a guy/girl “hanging out” together):

• Set the standard (teens ought never engage a dating relationship with someone who is not equally committed to God - this is dangerous ground)
  
• Always be in light and public (darkness and privacy allow the possibility of temptation to act inappropriately on God-given/natural feelings)
• Date with crowds (go places with friends/groups)
• Set out from the beginning to protect his/her future spouse and their present walk with God
• Pray for one another
• Involve parents and Godly friends (hiding parts of their relationship makes is dangerous)
• Keep friendship the focus

7. Set a dating plan. Together (both parents and the teen) set up a plan for dating (maybe after reading the book suggested below): define dating, things that are ok in a relationship, how a date ought to treat/respect them, how to worship in the midst of dating, accountability, boundaries, etc. This way the teen has some ownership in the plan and can share their feelings about the plan versus feeling like their parents don’t understand. It also opens the channels of communication with your teen from the beginning and lets them know you care, are praying for their future marriage/mate, and are available to listen any time.

There is much more that can/should be taught, but time and space is short. So as an exercise I encourage you to read the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” (by Joshua Harris) with your teen. Take it at a comfortable pace and set time aside to talk about it (maybe after every chapter or two). Go out for coffee or ice cream or something and talk about this regularly!




Pray for my wife and I as we begin now with our 8, 6 and 2 year olds (at least teaching and demonstrating marriage, daily worship, etc.)… and I promise you’ve already got our prayers! We petition and plead on behalf of you and your children regularly! Next week… “The Purity Myth”

Want to join the conversation? Have a question? A comment? Click here to chime in!!


_________________________

What Is Dating and When Should It Happen (or Should It?)? (A Guide for Parents and Thoughts for Teens/Singles)

The funny thing about dating is that if you ask people “what is dating?” you’ll hear a variety of answers. I ask this question of teenagers quite regularly and here is a small sample of the answers I’ve received over the years:

• Spending time with someone (I asked what happens when that relationship ends, they usually reply “find someone else”)
• Looking for a husband/wife
• Having fun
• I don’t know – you just like [someone] and hangout with them

So to ask “what is dating” is a rather ambiguous exercise because no one (even adults) really knows – they just do it. It’s pretty much certain, however, that you will see the following present in the majority of dating relationships:

• A title/declaration (my girlfriend/boyfriend/“just dating”/“playing the field”)
• Spend time together in special activities (movies, dinner, carnival, etc.)
• Friendship (often putting other friends second to the bf/gf of the moment)
• Best sides are put forward (typically masking/not disclosing those silly quarks – or real issues)
• Alone time (it’s not a real “date” unless the couple is alone somewhere)
• Emotional intimacy (the sharing of feelings, hopes, dreams, faith and more)
• Physical relationship (hand holding, hugging, kissing, making out, sexual intimacy)

To cut to the chase (since there could be much conversation here), it honestly seems like the only real factor that changes a male/female friendship from friends to “dating” is the physical relationship. Yes, emotional intimacy can be another difference, but it alone is not something exclusive to the dating relationship (friends can be emotionally intimate – often the reason for the “best friend” title). Besides that, when’s the last time you heard someone say “I’d love to share my hopes, feelings and dreams with you – would you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?” It’s more like friends one minute – start holding hands or kissing and “now we’re boyfriend and girlfriend” (or visa versa – change titles from friends to bf/gf, therefore, our new entitlement is physical intimacy).

To illustrate my previous point further (that is, there is no clear understanding of what dating is or parameters for practicing it), I hear the following statement a lot: “I do like him/her but I don’t want to go out with them because I’m afraid it would mess up our friendship.” Really? I thought that was kind of the whole point of marriage – to marry your best friend (so to speak) and grow closer together in that friendship. Besides that, *sarcasm alert* what could possibly happen in a dating relationship that would “mess up” your friendship? Ah, yes… physical intimacy. Once you cross certain lines (expressing love physically) it is kind of hard to go back to “just friends.” Therefore, the “friendship” is, indeed, often times ruined.

Dating can (and should) happen without physical intimacy. Yes, I know that seems archaic and out-dated considering how many of us as adults included it in our relationships and the fact that this type of thinking is almost laughable today. However, to those who are married I pose one question: do our present spouses feel more loved, valued and cherished because we tested others out (physically) first? Sure, we learn from our mistakes, but I have yet to meet a Godly couple that looks back and says “man, I’m glad we had so many partners (kissing or more) before we got married. It makes me feel so loved to know that I’m not the only one on your lips.” (If you’re like me right now, that last statement actually makes you slightly angry/upset/disturbed, whether it is at yourself or the thought of someone else having had the chance to cherish your spouse as you do now). This is why I wholeheartedly believe that we need to teach our CHILDREN (no matter their age) about the value of marriage as God designed it (not “following their heart”) and guide them to a Godly model of “dating.”

Godly dating (or “courting” as this model is often called) ought to set out with friendship as the goal and foundation, while removing physical intimacy until marriage. It puts the relationship in its proper place and encourages the couple to truly put the other one first. It practices from the beginning everything 1 Corinthians 13:4-9 (the “love chapter”) rejoices in:

• Patience
• Kindness (to the future spouse, future children, etc.)
• Proper practice (“does not act improperly”)
• Selflessness (much harder road than dating’s selfish “what’s in it for me, now?”)
• Rejecting that which could hurt, now or later (namely sin)
• Is excited by Godliness (“no joy in unrighteousness”)
• Living in Truth (versus secrecy or deceit)
• Fighting for real love (“bears, hopes, believes and endures all things” – real love is never easy)

No where does it say that practicing physical intimacy is necessary for this type of love to be experienced. Physical intimacy, instead, seals and expresses in a purely unique way our commitment to our spouse (hence the reason God said the “two become one flesh”). No one else is designed to enjoy such intimacy with our spouse. It is single-handedly the most amazing, unique relationship mankind can enjoy (even above the parent-child relationship because the only two people who can enjoy each other with such intimacy is the husband and wife).

Parents, as I mentioned before, this is not a new methodology. It’s a Biblical approach to a relational system (dating) that has gone way off path, become purely selfish (all about me) and lost its vision (there is very little mention of the future in dating anymore – it’s about the here and now). It places the emphasis back where it was originally designed to be - on marriage (not the here and now)! Yes, this seems like an impossible and unlikely task - like trying to out run a locomotive or leap a tall building in a single bound, without Superman's powers. No one said parenting biblically would be an easy task. But we join together, bathed in prayer, as we work to lead our children to amazing marriages and times of worship (now and later with their own families).

So how do we work AGAINST a system so firmly established in our culture (a confused pattern of dating is in all our movies, music, shows, books, schools, etc.)? We’ll cover that next week when I talk about “What to teach our children.”

Want to join the conversation? Have a question/comment? Click here to begin!! :-)


______________________________

"Dating is Divorce Practice"

I was reading the book "Family Driven Faith" by Voddie Bauchum recently and in it he makes a pretty blunt, but profound statement... today "dating is nothing more than divorce practice” for later.

Divorce practice?

Today teens date until they lose interest. As soon as someone better looking/more interesting or fun comes along – they’re gone. As soon as the relationship gets boring – they’re gone. As soon as they don’t get along as well as they did before – it’s over. No working through things. No compromise. Why? A few reasons…

• Why work through it? It’s easier to move on.

• Poor models make for poor examples. Children see, children do. They see moms and dads bail out all the time, why can’t they?

• Too young to be dealing with those issues/not capable of making the right choice. Not for nothing, relationships are complex and not for the faint of heart. 16 year olds (no offense to my 16 year old and under audience) are not capable of wrestling with these issues – nor should they have to! They’re still two years away from being able to be legally married. More on this later.

• Not much thought goes into who to date; therefore, not much thought is put into making it work. Also, if not much thought is put into who to date, then the reasons for the splits are sometimes legit because they find out more about the guy/girl after dating a bit; however, this stuff is able to be discovered before giving them so much room in their heart.

This is where parents come in. Should we have expectations of our children and their relationships? Absolutely! Scripture demands it (parents are to be intentional in the discipleship of their children… growing “little Christ’s” – those who worship and follow the Savior) and, believe it or not, your kids are looking for them. They want to know what “dating” is and how to do it. They want to know the dreams and desires you have for them – that you are on their side and praying for them and their future spouse.

Because this is such a lengthy topic, I plan to do a four part series in the blog about “dating” and the Bible (teaching parents to teach children about dating).

Part 1 – What is dating and when should it happen (or should it?)?

Part 2 – What to teach our children

Part 3 – The purity myth/Abstinence is Wrong

I plan to do this topic for a few reasons: (1) As a youth pastor the dating/boyfriend/girlfriend topic is the one requested the most by teens. Why not teach parents how to teach it to your kids so that they hear it at home AND at church! (2) Our message to our kids/teens is too ambiguous and jumbled up – it changes from adult to adult. This should not be the case! (3) To examine Scripture and make sure we have a Biblical vision and approach to leading our children in “dating.”

Because there is so much interest in this topic I will try my best to get more than one entry out per week, but that all depends on my schedule. I will try to have Part 1 out by Monday of next week.

A word of encouragement to my fellow parents: I am not a perfect parent (nor have I ever claimed to be). My heart’s desire is like yours – to worship God and lead my family to Him. I have had successes (I think) and I have had failures (I'm sure of it). I have no idea what’s in store for my children and their relationships, but I pray they will always know my wife and I pour our hearts out in prayer for them and that they will desire to worship God with their future spouses. I don’t write these blog entries as a proven method, but as an intention to seek and lead my children in worship. I write this as a tool for both you and my wife and I as we labor together in teaching our children to “love the Lord, our God, with all [their] heart(s), mind(s), and soul(s)”. Pray for us and we commit to pray for you as well.

Until the next entry… Blessings!!!

Want to join the conversation? Have a question? Make a comment by clicking here!

________________________